Happy New Year

I'm bringing a bottle of red wine to AH, expecting a wonderful evening.

Happy new year, my dear friends!

(Picture taken at AH on 31 Dec 2009.)

This doesn't make sense

Restaurants keep popping up in that location. They are in business for a while; then they're gone to be replaced by some other restaurants. All those re-decorations just don't make sense. What a waste of money and resources. Is there something fishy? I've heard too many stories about restaurants closing down and opening up again under a new name so the owners could escape from paying what they should pay to their employees.

This looks like something big; and with some big names, too. I am wondering who the owner(s) is. Will there be any profits? How much you can earn in a district like this?

The force of life

"What a death. What a life. What a chance. What a surprise. My will has chosen life? Still, it has had me spooked and many others besides.”(The Piano, directed by Jane Campion)

I experience the full force of being alive when I am at the lowest point in my survival instinct. But still, I have that instinct. Maybe my mind has been doing something which not even I can understand.

I have no idea why I wanted to re-read Miss Smilla's Feeling for Snow. Maybe it's because of the cold? That it's Christmas time? That I had had made friends with a few Danes? I couldn't even remember the plot. There was just this feeling, maybe it's like Miss Smilla's feeling for snow, something real yet transient.

"Let's call it a day." I told myself, "Let's finish it all." And yet I was trapped on a bus, sitting at the window seat, with a complete stranger next to me, blocking my way out. There was nothing drastic I could do. There wasn't even a window to open so that I could jump out. And the bus still had a long way to its destination. Miss Smilla only had some blunt knives at home. She found this comforting. If she wanted to kill herself, she had to at least go to a neighbour to borrow something sharper.

I was this close...And then these words jumped to my eyes: Anything is better than suicide. Maybe these words were the reason for my choice of reading. Maybe I remembered there was something like this in page 99. Maybe. The brain is too complex an organ; I would never know.

I felt as if life had slapped me on my face, real hard. I was swimming. I was sinking if you got the joke. Fear was in the air. Our survival instinct made us smell it out.

I felt love/loved in a hopeless situation. Why did I find it hopeless? Was it another survival instinct? May I just shut down everything so that I wouldn't be hurt? So that I wouldn't hurt? I had this fear of hurting people; I had this fear of intruding upon other people's life. But I couldn't keep my distance; it's as if I was addicted to this chaos.

Maybe it's just life. Like what we said on Christmas, it's life; it's shitty. A shitty Christmas in the literal sense could teach us a lot.

回顧09開心事

Hang on, mate!

不按時序
1) Maria為Kalle搞神秘生日派對，我也變相成為主角。
2) 跟Dr Lee見面。他仍然是What can you do about this student!
3) 在Christ Temple Congregation講道兩次，兩次都有很好的反應。
4) Eva和Birgitte到訪屯門。
5) 成功造蛋糕。
6) 在學院做了好的翻譯。
7) 閱讀Torture and Eucharist，知道自己想讀博士課程，做關於聖餐的題目。
8) 皮膚好轉，可以減藥。
9) 離開九迦。
10) 星期五參與Morning Eucharist。
11) 寫了關於open communion的文章。
12) 加入international students' choir。
13) 與媽媽相處融洽。
14) 認識了Spike。
15) 錄電台聖誕節目，為該目寫了好文章，Spike喜歡。
16) 重讀多本書，包括The Unbearable Lightness of Being，有新發現。
17) 跟John的相處，勁多歡笑，也一同憂愁。
18) 今天收到Maria的來電，Kalle約飲咖啡，皆因他們察覺我的憂鬱。
19) 知道自己是A~~，explain everything。
20) 無數的擁抱。
21) 不再因為不快才去拍照片。
22) 跟他說I Love You。
23) 因為一隻狗而拖手。
24) 在暑假開始自己煮食。
25) 在Reading Week讀Snoopy漫畫。
26) 有朋友，有新朋友，有不知為何很喜歡我的(新)朋友。
27) 主持Midday Prayer，用了n分鐘點到四五支蠟燭。
28) 擁有一隻陀錶。
29) 星期日上山。
30) 院長讚我的翻譯。

好了，好了，夠今晚用了。

Miss Smilla's Feeling for Snow

I have a few comfort books, and Miss Smilla's Feeling for Snow belongs to one of them.

I don't really remembr the plot; but I remember the atmosphere. It's something I want to return to when I'm really down.

It is as if there is a blanket covering me, and I'm too tired to lift it up or crawl out.

In p.99, I read this:

From the chair where I'm sitting I can see the letter box. It's the last entrance that the world hasn't tried to force its way through. Now a long strip of grey cardboard is pushed through it. There's writing on it. I let it lie there for a while. But it's hard to ignore a message that's almost a metre long.

"Anything is better than suicide," it says. That's what it's supposed to say, anyway. He has managed to include two or three spelling mistakes in the brief text.

I was on a 260X bus when I read it. As usual, I took a window seat. My reflection was on the window. I saw myself, wearing a hat which earned me the nickname "Czarina", and tears were rolling down.

Anything is better than suicide. Are you sure?

The sad thing didn't come from my being depressed. Its source came from my knowing that this depression would be gone, sooner or later; but then it would always come back. It's part of me.

I don't really mind dealing with it. It's my friend, foe, companion. I have had it for so long that sometimes I just don't notice it. But when it quietly creeps to the surface, when I notice that something's wrong, I'm already quite deep in this black hole. Sometimes, I just don't have the strength to get out. So, why not just call it a day?

The unbearable lightness of being; what's unbearable might well be the part about being.

Sensory overload

Now I can put a name to it; and I am relieved to be able to name my discomfort when there are too many sounds around me.

I took the train home after the worship service and supper tonight. The man sitting next to me was playing a handheld electronic game. Oh gosh, I just couldn't stand the noise. After him came a woman holding a toddler. She tried to make him giggle, not realizing the high-pitched sound of him was really hurting my ears. And there were numerous other sounds as well. It's torture.

The world isn't very friendly to people like me, that's all.

A Letter From Spike

Feeling real

The bruises on my left knee help me realize that I am living. The pain, the bluish colour...life can be painful; life is fragile, make a slip and viola!

It isn't a very loud pain. It's sutle; you won't even notice it until you touch upon the bruises by accident. It isn't disabling, but still, it's a reminder of your foolish accident, and of the fact that you're living.

The bluish colour is settling in; it's not so obvious late last night. It is as if it had enlarged, or maybe it did. I am only too glad that I am left with some bruises and not scraped skins; the latter would have been too much, too unbearable. I don't want to see blood; even when I have a little accident, I want a more sanitized one.

Why do people drink? Maybe the question should be why don't people drink more? Alcohol does have a numbing effect; and it's good to be numbed sometimes.

I feel so real that I want to cry. I guess Jesus didn't come to tidy up our messy world; I don't think he wanted to sanitize our life.

Maybe I should be more forgiving

Because they didn't know; neither did I know.

Candles

I'm fascinated by lit candles. Hynotized.

When we have our Friday morning Eucharist, some people would look at the icons; I look at the candles.

There is the heat emanated from the fire. I feel the warmth but dare not go too near. I don't know how people can hold a lit candle. The fire and the molten wax scare me. And yet, I'm drawn to the fire, spellbound.

What Christmas means to me

There was the nativity play. The school had rigged up a larger platform temporarily for the Christmas season. There were Christmas flowers bordering the platform and pupils were waiting impatiently for the party to start. They would get candies, snacks and of course there would be the exchange of gifts. Each year, a few pupils were chosen to play the roles of Mary, Joseph, the Three Wise Men and some shepherds. Usually, more boys got chosen. And usually, someone beautiful would don the costume and become Mary, looking at a baby doll with as much love as possible, making believe that she’s the mother of the baby Jesus.

I never got chosen, not as Mary, not as a shepherd, not even as a sheep.

The manger scene was perfect. All the characters were wearing make-up. The Three Wise Men had beard painted on their face. Their moms had to rub really hard to get it off afterwards. It’s fun to see little children dressing like adults, or so thought the adults. Mary looked a bit bored, or she just had held that calm and motherly expression for too long; Joseph was uncomfortable to be so near to a female being, and this was supposedly his wife with their new-born son, who unlike other babies, remained quiet and immobile in his wooden-box-turned cot. Jesus was there, a plastic doll the size of a real baby, but all the attention was on what’s around him. We couldn’t get sight of him anyway because he’s buried too deep in his little bed. Mary’s blue eye-shadow was making her feel like a real grown-up, just like the last beauty queen she saw on TV; and Joseph’s black eye-shadow made him look like a school bully victim.

Things looked perfect from a distance. The birth of Jesus Christ our savior fixed in a small hall in a primary school in a town called Tuen Mun, which is part of HK but isn’t really the HK you imagine. Jesus was in our midst, surrounded by children who were trying their best to do their part. The spot light was on these little actors and actress. Maybe Jesus wouldn’t mind being neglected. Maybe he wouldn’t mind being a plastic blue-eyed baby doll.

I never got chosen. I still don’t. I just looked on. Did Jesus feel lonely as well? Were his parents sad because they were unable to provide him with a more decent, cleaner birth place?

Maybe Jesus also doesn’t got chosen that much. Does he mind? We are still looking at things surrounding his birth: the tall and glittering Christmas tree, both expensive and cheap presents wrapped in glitzy paper that get thrown away once Boxing Day arrives. Maybe Jesus doesn’t mind; maybe he does. But anyway, Emmanuel, God is with us, and wish us a merry Christmas.

To listen to the Christmas programme with the above story as part of it, pls click here.

你的故事

我實在不知道，明天/下個月/明年我們仍可以見面嗎？你會否又遠走他方。於是，我決定，甚麼都不打緊了，讓我們把握當下，做對方的好朋友吧。

The world of a left-hander

The staff at McDonald's brought my cup of coffee to me, with the top of the coffee showing an M. I wondered if they were trained to do so.

I turned the cup so that I could pick it up with my left hand. The M became a W, or like someone with her hands high up above her head.

I live in an upside down world, or is it a downside up world?

What was it like?

What was it like?
What is it like?

Did they hurt you?
Do we hurt you?

I see your face,
Your lips moving,
My eyes stays
Where stubbles are growing.
May I touch your mouth
With my slender fingers,
After touching mine?
As if it's a kiss,
An indirect kiss.

What was it like?
What is it like?

Will there be a "will be"?
Or are you just passing by,
In a sudden rainstorm,
A timely refuge,
When the sunshines,
You'll be on the move again.

我以發脾氣的速度寫essay

效果不錯，Long Live Kyriarchy! Love Live Oppression!

怒氣令我寫婦女神學的功課寫得振振有詞！

我怕死，你可不可以暫時別要睡

聽楊千嬅，想了很多，很久。

抑鬱是甚麼一回事？是自己也不明白的意志消沉，是求生意欲很低，卻又仍然怕死。

我怕死。

從前，有一個人，抑鬱了一段日子，沒胃口，失眠，提不起勁。死亡的念頭出現在她的腦海，她害怕。她從來都不是一個不向別人求助的人，一晚，她打了一通電話給一個教會朋友，那朋友正在學校宿舍，或許正忙著吧，讀書人，學業要緊，朋友沒有跟她傾談的耐性，後來，大家掛線了。她怪責朋友沒跟她傾談，朋友怪責她的怪責。

她也有尋求牧師的協助。牧師很冷淡，只道你那問題應該早解決了，那不應繼續是你的問題。他的眼神很冷，或許他除了最憎動輒就不返教會的人外，也最憎要生要死的人。

那個她是我。

在我眾多消沉的日子，唯一願意在夜半時份跟我通電話的，是一個抽煙、說粗話，不受教會歡迎的人。他已累了，但他守候在電話旁，守候在我身旁。

Sense of belonging

I got this quote from the internet: “I feel like an outsider, and I always will feel like one,” the autistic writer Anne Rice once said, in an internet interview. “I’ve always felt that I wasn’t a member of any particular group.”

And I found Anne Rice speaking my mind.

I had been encouraged, pushed to foster a sense of belonging, mostly with people in my former church. The pastor told me I had to make an effort as well, the problem didn't just lie with others' insensitivity or unfriendliness.

I did try, but was never successful. I always felt out of place. I used to say that I was a poet in a time when poetry was no longer read.

Could you allow me to stay in this lack of belonging? Could you leave me be myself even though you find it weird? Our worlds are a bit different, that's all.

Trinity of friendship and love

Here comes another weird picture of mine.

Life, death, and love

A dear friend's daughter was born today.

Another dear friend's father passed away today.

And I'm in mid-air, breathing in love...

I write what I want to write

And I don't really care about the grade I get.

But then, it's always a plus when dear friends have some positive comments on my writing.

What brought us together?

After our little party at Vivien's home, we went back to the train station, some by car, more on foot.

We were gradually divided into two groups, me with three guys from the States, Camaroon, and Samao respectively.

I wanted a map that show all these countries plus HK just to get a feeling of how far apart we had been before.

What brought us together? And why were we having so much fun, laughing so hard?

I guess it's magic, or to use a more Christian word, grace.

Sharing

I remember this classmate of mine back in Liverpool. He was doing an MA in the Geography Department, while I was doing mine in the School of Communications. We were doing a course on culture mainly for undergraduates. For postgraduates, there were additional tutorials apart from the lectures.

His name's Chris. He had a part-time job, working in a pub in the evening. He told me about his working class background, that was the first time I learned anything about class.

There was a shop selling very cheap sandwiches on campus. A big one cost only one pound. One day, Chris got one that he couldn't finish. He just gave half to a man, a complete stranger, sitting next to him. That man accepted his offer. And the story ended.

I have been trained to be suspicious. I wonder if I would accepted this offer. I might have done so in Liverpool, but probably not in HK.

I was reminded of Chris after lunch with a friend today. I was reminded of hardship in poverty, but also the kind of love and friendship you could find in difficult time.

What made me happy today

I had got an incredibly cheap candle holder which I hoped would fit the Christ candle at the Adventh wreath. We needed something small enough to be in the middle of the wreath with four candle holders surrounding it, and yet big enough for a taper candle. It worked, and I was happy.

Managed to get a very beautiful scarf for a friend who's leaving the seminary soon.

Exchanged SMSes with a dear friend.

Got a call from two other dear friends. They were doing Christmas shopping and would like to know if there's anything I wanted.

I was also moved by friends' concern over my recent inexplicable sadness.

I think I have been sad because I know I am unable to love as much as I want. Relationships bring hurt. To love is also to risk sadness. We are all going to say goodbye to one another sooner or later; and saying goodbye is sad. When I open my heart to someone, I take a risk. It isn't rejection that I fear the most. I am afraid I will hurt my beloved. I am impatient; I can be very mean...And with the best intention, I usually end up doing stupid and hurtful things.

Children's Church

The dramatization of the Christmas story during the worship service.

An urge to come out

It isn't about sexuality.

We all have our own secrets, big or small. There is this urge to come out when you meet someone who seems to be able to understand. It's like the drawing of the pilot in The Little Prince; he shows it to the Little Prince and he understands.

I have just met a guy who seems to possess this unusual ability. And I have such a picture...Maybe...

Midday prayer

No one came. But I managed to light four candles without burning my finger or setting the crypt on fire, so it wasn't too bad after all.

婦女神學作業--禮儀

完成了！

入學以來三次分組presentation，三次都關於禮儀。第一次是名正言順，因為課程是崇拜及禮儀，第二次是上旁門與新興宗教，今次則是婦女神學。

察覺自己的轉變：由第一次大部分時間聽組員討論，自己跟隨，到第二次獨自寫禮儀，但有點胡里胡塗，到今次終於知道自己所作何事。

其實學院就有這個特色，有空間讓大家學習/發揮關於崇拜禮儀這課題。保守的有保守的學習，想創新也可以。

Advent wreath 2009

Years later, will I still remember this?

I hope years later, I will still remember John, Kelvin and I put this together.

I like the crystal-like candle holders. The IKEA candles burn surprisingly well. The purple flowers we got from the Flower Market. We had them dried. John even put them under the sun. The wreath I got from a shop in my neighbourhood and we made some changes to it. That disk under the wreath, well, what do you think it is? It came from my kitchen.

有性別意識的崇拜禮儀

為了星期二婦女神學課堂的報告，在過去一星期我都忙於撰寫一個有性別意識的崇拜禮儀。

正值將臨期，這個禮儀就以馬利亞即將臨盆為背景，選讀的經文都是關於這個的。

寫這禮儀的困難，主要是我要首先打破自己的想法、習慣，所謂undo, unlearn，習慣了一開口就「奉聖父、聖子、聖靈的名」開始聚會，如何改變？是否單單把聖父變為聖母就可以？但聖母又教人想起耶穌的母親馬利亞啊！

困難是沒有什麼可以抄襲。天下文章一大抄，大概天下禮儀都是一大抄。美其名是跟隨傳統，但實際可能是我們懶。要用心寫好禮儀是何等花心力，香港有幾大教會願意「請」一個牧師/傳道人不作什麼(即不開會、不開班、不見人)，只求做好崇拜禮儀？

如果崇拜禮儀是我們預嚐天國的途徑，我們就更要正視當中隱藏的不平等。如果我們在崇拜禮儀中與天上地下眾聖徒相通，我們就更要留心這是一個怎樣的團契。

有反思，才不會陷入「食老本」的危機。

The two-edged sword

God's word is active and sharp like a two-edged sword.

But if this two-edged sword is for cutting away my sins, then perhaps it's not so sharp after all.

My sins are in my being. I may behave good, but I can't do away with my nature.

I had quite an interesting "conversation" with a student at the seminary about the content of a teacher's reflection in the morning Eucharist service. I thought she had got it wrong, that she had misunderstood our teacher's words. Her idea that God had to cut out our badness before we could freely come to God/God come to us was very telling. It's a very typical idea taught by many local congregations. We're all sinners. We're bad through and through. Ok, grace is free; but we do not deserve it. We have to "respond" to God's grace by doing good, acting good, by not sinning anymore.

But if sin is in my being, then how can I stop being a sinner?

Didn't Jesus die for us even when we are still sinners?

So, what is grace?

Worship at Chung Chi

John was invited to lead a Taize-style worship service at a weekly assembly at Chung Chi. More than 20 LTS students joined it. It had to be a new experience to quite a number of Chung Chi students. To me, there was also something new. The venue was different; we sat on chairs with shoes on instead of sitting barefeet on the floor; and there were much more participants. We brought with us the liturgy books, Taize song books, two icons, candles and even eight dried flowers. In other words, we brought with us almost everything we needed for the service except the bread and wine.

I was a bit too conscious that we were having the service with students of another seminary. It was as if I was showing something instead of having our worship service as usual.

There were also some observations on my part: when we prayed, it was usually a prayer with explanation and what we wanted God to do; maybe we felt we needed to explain the whole story. And in the Q and A session, the questions were not unexpected. There was one on the meaning of the eight flowers. The three incense were another subject matter. They're too close to traditional Chinese religion to make one comfortable.

All in all, an interesting evening.

Books, CDs and icons on sale.


Upon leaving Chung Chi.

寒冷中的Friday Morning Eucharist

因為冷了，所以我們把Christ Temple的門關上了。

十一月的寒冷天氣警告，我問來自瑞典的朋友，我們在貴國嗎？

活像瑞典的冷，卻沒有那裡的暖氣。

然後我想起上個冬天，我們也曾因為低溫而關上聖殿的門。

在冷空氣中，鳥鳴顯得更清脆。

昨天接到舊教會弟兄的來電，他說，很久沒有見過你了。

然後我說，我轉了教會，之後是對方半秒的的無言。他似乎很明白，又或許是不知如何回應。

我仍舊參與周五早上的聖餐，仍舊早起乘坐首班巴士，只是有些人我不再願意見，有些地方我不會想再去。

期待將臨期

我在道風山的第二個將臨期。

舊事已過，都變成新的了。

Life is absurd

I had taught English to a group of women in the community for three years. Primary school level English that wouldn't really make a difference in their life.

Zi Teng offers English classes as well.

So there were those women I had taught who sought, and probably still seek, some kind of upward mobility or perhaps just a better chance in getting a job through the English course. There are also those women who want to learn more English for their trade as some of their customers are foreigners. My students have been praised again and agian for their hard work and diligence. Keep learning; keeping improving yourself; keep adding value to yourself! Then there are those sex workers who take English courses. There won't be any hand clapping for them. So what is the difference?

I see many similarities between these two groups of people except the nature of their job (or maybe you won't agree that sex work is a job). Life is complex. Maybe too complex.

The story I shared with Eva and her congregation in Denmark

I went with more than 30 students from Norway to Wong Tai Sin Temple last week and it brought me many childhood memories. I had spent many a Sunday there as my grandma had a stall there selling incense and other offerings. I don’t know how this incense selling business sounds to people in Denmark, but certainly in HK, it has got me into trouble. I had worked in a mission organization for more than 4 years. My boss had no trouble hiring me as an editor. But once she and another colleague found out the nature of my grandma’s business, I was “asked” to confess my sin and repent. They thought that my family had some kind of connection to the evil. Perhaps it was really evil to make money and make a living. I was sorry that these mission people didn’t really care that even though we were selling incense in a temple, it was straightly business. For all the years I spent in Wong Tai Sin Temple, I never went in to worship any idols. The visit there last week was actually the first time I stepped inside and took a good look.

My Christian faith probably started when I was a student in a Protestant primary school. I learned the Lord’s prayer though I had no idea what it was about until much later. I learned most the hymns I know now from that time as well. The hymns we sang were not local composition. We sang the same tunes with people in the UK (our colonial master, remember?) but the words had been translated into Chinese. Since the translations very often didn’t really work, so very often our Lord became a pig. (The word Lord and pig have the same pronunciation in Cantonese except for their different tones). So for a long time, I sang: “pig” Jesus loves me. I don’t intend to blaspheme here; but maybe the above experience has taught me the need of localization and contextualization in our faith.

I didn’t go to church until I was a secondary school student. I was probably 16 or 17 at that time, studying in a Buddhist secondary school. There was indeed a Buddhist monastery next to our school and we had a Buddhist nun teaching us Buddhism. Buddhism remains a mystery to me and I see it as a philosophy more than a religion. Even though we had Buddhism lessons, no one really tried to convert us into Buddhism. I remember one of my teachers who was a Roman Catholic. She asked us to be respectful of this school religion even if we were of other faith. And that Buddhist nun teacher had also mentioned something about respect. She told us that when she went to a Christian church, she would do exactly what others did. I didn’t like this nun very much but I must say that I respected this attitude of hers.

So what do all the above lead us to? Now I am a Christian. I am leading a fairly active life in a congregation at TFS. And I met Eva there. I am a seminary student who is quite serious about her studies and wants to know more about the Christian faith. I believe that God was with me even in that sunny Sunday more than 20 years ago when I was playing around Wong Tai Sin Temple. I believe that God was still there even when I chose to go to a Buddhist school after my education in a Protestant one. Some of my Christian friends in HK would be horrified if they knew that I was going to a Taoist temple. At least one of my Christian friends would say going to a Buddhist school is a bad idea (and he’s teaching in one!). One of my teachers at the seminary is into interfaith dialogue. I had gone to a Sikh temple with him lately. I have seen too much exclusion and too little care in local churches. If God is love, is that love only for Christians? Or does God love all? If God loves the Jews, does God also love the Danish and Chinese?

Last but not least, thank Eva for inviting me to share my story. And I’d like to send my warm greetings to my dear brothers and sisters in Lord in Denmark. Though I haven’t met you, I believe that Jesus has called us to be one.

Hunger

I have never experienced real hunger; I always have a home to return.

But I don't think life is always easy in my family. My family has never been rich. I suspect that there were times that we just managed to survive; and I believe the same thing has happened to my neighbours.

We are just ordinary people trying to survive.

I admire many of the mothers in my neighbourhood. My childhood was filled with all those Mrs, and in particular there was Mrs Ng who lived opposite us.

Life is difficult. But those mothers I know have always provided shelter and security not only to their children, but to others' as well.

The Feminist Theology class visited Zi Teng last night. We had the chance to talk face to face with a sex worker.

This sex worker is like any other mothers whom I know, taking care of her son, trying to give him the best.

People may say she is morally corrupt. She will not be welcome by most churches.

But who are we that we think we can judge her? We who have never experienced any real hunger, we who always have a roof above our head, what makes us think we can judge her "morality"? And who is to say what is moral and what is not?

Before the worship service started

教會會籍問題

究竟為甚麼要有教會會籍？為甚麼當我受洗加入普世教會時，要同時加入一個堂會？

教會會籍於我代表：每年參與一次會員大會，但你不是會友都可以參加啊！至於投票權，除了要有會友的身分外，亦要在過去兩年有金錢奉獻，要有奉獻收據。難怪有人比喻奉獻為交會費，或親切點說是俾家用。這引伸了另一問題：冇錢「交會費」是否就冇投票權？

A great day to meet friends

It's great to meet friends for some delicious dim sum and a cup of coffee, especially after I had gone through a funeral in the previous evening.

一個僱主帶查經的故事

這樣的一個故事，令人懷疑我們在教會究竟學到甚麼？

一個僱主在家帶查經，高聲大談神的恩典。

他的外籍傭工從中午十二點就沒有吃過甚麼，查經未完，未有得開飯。

她己煮好晚飯；她從電飯煲取出一匙飯，吃了，也吃了一只雞翼。

查經終於在十點結束，僱主說可以開飯了。當他發現電飯煲內少了一匙飯，即大興問罪，並在一班查經的弟兄姊妹面前責罵傭工。

究竟福音是甚麼？究竟擁護中產價值的教會，傳了怎麼樣的福音？

窮人與教會

有一教會座落在全港數一數二的貧窮地區，這教會正在考慮購買地方作永久會址，但在寸金尺土的香港談何容易。

貧窮地區正進行重建，有關部門收回土地，被迫搬遷的貧窮戶不滿卻無計可施，唯有在自己的窗戶掛上一張又一張的橫額抗議。

教會沒有看到這些貧窮人的抗議，他們的牧師、領袖只看到機會，就是擴展自己的機會，他們構想重建後的社區會如何需要教會的服事，他們幻想或許在重建項目中，有機會為教會找到一個永久會址。

教會裡充滿衣著光鮮的專業人士、四四正正銀行戶口不是中產但以為自己是中產的人士，福音？不提也罷。

Family gathering

We had our family gathering at John's home this morning.

We were asked each to tell a story. It's an excellent way for me to know more about my friends.

There're sad stories, funny stories, inspiring stories.

When we parted, when all of the family members except me and Robert went back to the seminary, I felt a bit sad that I had to leave them. I wished I could live nearer.

New experiences today: tried spicy Lao salad, licked by a dog, braved my way past two dogs to open a gate for a friend (and me a bit afraid of dogs)...

Preparing for Advent

Looking for materials to make our own Advent wreath.

參與姊妹論壇後感

到達安素堂後，眼見其副堂用椅姊圍了一個大圈，前方有長桌子，是預留給講員/分享者的位置，整個地方很大，太大了，因為參加者並不多，當中或許超過一半是胡露茜在中大和信神的學生，來參與是我們的課堂要求。胡露茜誠然是一個好的運動推動者，她帶領我們走出課室，走出理論，去真正實踐，給予我們參與其中的機會。但這又引發另一個問題：若非有這兩班學生，這個論壇會是甚麼景況？會否成為真正的小貓三兩隻？婦女議題在香港教會圈子是否真的如斯備受忽視？小眾的聲嘶力竭，要經過多少年月才會有被聆聽的機會？

假若我閉起眼睛，不看台前寫著「姊妹論壇」的橫幅，其實整個聚會與一般基督教聚會無異：沉悶調子的詩歌、毫不起勁的司琴、參與者半冷不熱地跟隨著唱。這些可能是我的偏見，但我認為你不能強迫參與者投入，更好的方法是你的詩歌本身令他們投入。這些年來，我參加了不少被迫與隔鄰手牽手的聚會，幸好今次沒有，我只想說，其實我並不相信那些universal brotherhood/sisterhood的講法，就容讓我保持一點距離吧！

我參加的分組討論，題目為神學教育及信徒培育，我們提及一點：關於性別意識的科目，全港只有兩間神學院有這類課程，而且都不是必修的。這個論點跟我以前參與過的差傳聚會提及的簡直一模一樣：神學院要求學生修讀三個學分的宣教課程，可見神學院對這方面的不重視云云。或許這是香港基督教圈子的特色，你可以將議題換上為性別意識、宣教、社會公義，或一些你認為教會應該關心卻沒有的題目，然後是一式一樣的聚會模式，又或許全世界都是這樣，只是我對本地團體的偏見。

我欣賞一班有心人的努力，但實在看不見出路。教會講求果效，與龍應台批判香港的所謂「中環價值」、一切只求經濟效益相似。畢竟香港教會都是香港的一分子。若教會只要求神學生在神學院學會一套牧會的技能而不是深入的神學反思，若神學院只求收生人數的上升及自己的座大，若神學生只求完成若干學分、好好學成如何設計崇拜、主日學等等，如何過渡每一個主日，而沒有反思這些課題內裡的神學意義，我實在看不見我們的出路。

聽教聽話

今日參與了關於神學教育與信徒培育的課題，大前題是性別意識，教牧欠缺這意識，他們在神學院也有沒這方面的學習......最終教會領導一代去了，新一代到來，卻與上一代沒有兩樣。

究竟誰人會進神學院接受裝備？當然，這說法已有前設，接受裝備作甚麼？通常是在教會事奉。申請入讀神學要過教會一關，因為申請者要有自己教會(通常是堂主任)的推薦信。那麼誰人會得到推薦？牧師會否推薦一個他認為是攪事分子的人讀神學呢？

神學院的學生大多四四正正，聽教聽話。有時我們是費事多口，把書唸好，拿到足夠的學分就好了，將來還要找工場呢，不要太「偏激」，不要斷自己的事奉之路，我們都要糊口啊.....

空間

上回講到我在學院已適應得十分好，感覺舒暢；今天與幾名同學一起出席姊妹論壇，後一起食午飯，大家談到學院的種種，我不斷地發問：「你們說的某某是誰？」

我們彷彿就讀不同學校呢！

但這不是壞事。如果我清楚知道他們說的一切，也許我對學院的投入感會減低。

兼讀的好處就是有遊走的空間，可以留在邊緣，間中向中心出發。當然，我也要付上一定代價，例如沒有真正屬於自己的群體。

但我本身不是一個合群的人，是我的性格導致我走上今天的路，還是環境造成了今日的我？

穿畢業袍的日子

還有一頂博士帽，不是畢業禮，而是Reformation Day Eucharist，我擔演馬丁路德這角色，說英語時加上德國人的口音，大叫Guten Morgen，然後說自己是Martin Luther，好玩。

我變了！從前的我一定不會這樣「裝模作樣」，又或許是我在學院這幾年已完全適應，可以很自由自在地做自己，做喜歡做的笑，大聲地說話，大聲地笑，不怕別人取笑，即或有人取笑都不會在意。或許這就是我要兼讀的原因，將兩年延長至五至六年，讓慢熱的我最終可以投入。

I feel like this...

Nap is good

Taken on our way to the Sikh Temple on 25 Oct 2009.

Hospital visit

Mom visited Uncle at the hospital this afternoon. He's getting worse; and the hospital wants him to get out without giving him any referral to any hospital for terminal patients. I usually get fed up with poverty at moments like this. Where is human dignity? Where is compassion. But when we only have limited resources, when the rich gets richer and the poor gets poorer, we can only endure and try to survive.

Mom asked the TFS congregation to pray for Uncle. It's the first time she made such a request.

I am thinking about the Gospel reading of tomorrow. A blind man tells Jesus that he wants to see; and Jesus says his faith has saved him. What's faith? For one blind man getting back his sight, there are numerous others who remain visually impaired. How am I to understand Jesus' healing?

P.S. Uncle died this evening (25 Oct 2009). May he rest in peace.

Back to Christ Temple

Since the conference room wasn't available this morning, we moved back to Christ Temple for the Morning Eucharist.

And then I found that I missed the icons. Apart from the big one we put on the altar, there're 4 smaller ones. I missed them.

And I missed seeing sunlight coming through the windows. Light and shadow graudally moving down.

And I missed our coziness.

So, are we back there for good?

Give me a hug

希望力抗消費主義的我，今日終於失守。原想給自己買懷錶，結果買了幾米的產品給朋友。

下一步要做的，就是收集相片，然後動手以此相框做小禮物。

The Little Prince, the pilot, the fox and me

The pilot draws a picture of a boa with an elephant in its stomach, both interior and exterior, and shows it to the grown-ups. He asks them what they see in it. They say it's a hat. Grown-ups are unable to see what the Pilot sees. I show my friends a Garfield cartoon and see if they can see me in Garfield. In that cartoon strip, Garfield needs to claw something. He claws the curtain and is very satisfied. In the last picture of the strip, Jon asks where his new curtain is. And Garfield's thought bubble has these words: Define "new" to me. I want to know if you can see the Garfield in me.

The Little Prince asks the fox how he can tame him. The fox says,
"You must be very patient,
First you will sit down at a little distance from me-like that-in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."

Words are the source of misunderstandings. Sometimes, we only need a silent presence. I like John's reflection today at the Morning Eucharist. Job's friends have spent seven days and seven nights with him in silence. In such silence is the possibility of real human connection. Words may mislead; words may hurt. If you can spend some silent moments with some of your friends without feeling ill at ease, it means your friendship with them is both strong and enduring. It means you can experience moments of unmediated love. John sat with me on one of the benches outside of his office today. There were some moments when I just looked at my hands. There were no words. There was no need for them.

The fox tells the Little Prince a little secret, "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." The important thing is, whenever I eat an ice cream that is of your favourite favour, I always think about you.

一雞三味

我決定發揮我的編輯本色，一雞三味，三科(Introduction to New Testament, Introduction to Christian Theology, Feminist Theology)的功課都做...耶--穌！

咁算唔算偷雞呢？

信與不信

一個未認識耶穌的人面對死亡，他的朋友請某教會牧師探望，牧師「不嫌遠」老遠走到屯門，然後在教會的講台中跟會眾分享，目的就當然是鼓勵大家作服事啦。後來那人過身了，我忘了他最後是否有決志，只記得牧師覺得自己做了一件好事，不嫌麻煩，不嫌遠，去屯門喎，慘過要你去死，也不介意是否認識那人，心裡有感動嘛，況且牧師不就是要做這些事嗎？

另外有一個人因病入院，她已信主，但沒有返教會。請牧師去探訪，他一臉不耐煩，東區醫院，離教會很遠啊！後來，後來就不了了之。既然事主已經信主，好應交由她的教會處理吧，而且她的住所離教會遠，星期日要上班，也不可能返牧師的教會吧。

我發現，當你仍是一個尋道者，教會會非常歡迎你；但當你已經不是他們傳福音的對象，可以理得你死。有時，一切只為擴張勢力。

多年前，牧師說會去探望我那中風的祖母。後來，好一個後來，祖母死了，他沒有探過她，而我則收到一張例牌的問候卡，一張由幹事傳給所有同工，叫大家簽名留言的卡。

麥太跟麥兜說：「從前有個小朋友，他不肯吃菜，後來他死了。」

Getting prepared...

...mentally, for a family death.

Death is not the word we say; but we all know it. The doctors said they had already done everything they could.

We are calm. Of course, we are not the most immediate family. I don't know what Aunt and Cousin Alan are thinking. I don't know how they are coping.

We all have to go through it, this getting prepared thing. But then, we also know that you can never get really prepared. When death comes, even when it has made its announcement beforehand, one always feels shocked and lost.

I hope they are coping.

Setup

When you do the setup for a worship service, you notice things. You notice there are something that look like potholes on the floor; you notice one of the corners of the icon has been frayed; you notice whether the floor is spotlessly clean or whether it's dusty...And you know where the switches for the lights are.

When you know all these things, when everything is set, you just slip back to the congregation, and become one of the many, who also constitute the one Church.

How news travel...and then get distorted!

An LTS librarian asked me yesterday whether I had studied German philosophy. Then she commented that I had an excellent command of German.

About the level of my German competence, I usually give the following illustration: I went to Germany for a summer course many years ago. On my third day there, I asked a woman on the street for direction, in German, of course. That woman replied by asking me whether I spoke English. That's how good my German was, and I'm afraid it's worse now.

I asked that librarian how she learned about my German. She didn't tell me, of course.

God probably doesn't mind messiness

We had Dr Terrence Freitham giving us a talk in our Friday Assembly yesterday. His major thesis was: God created the world good, not perfect.

One of his points was creation was messy. Imagin God making Adam out of dirt; making Eve out of Adam's bone? Messy! Then he mentioned an artilce on New York Times: 'Say Yes to Mess' (http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/21/garden/21mess.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1). It was a comfort to messy people like...me.

I had thought about the messiness of the Incarnation. Could you imagine Jesus' birth as nothing but messy? All those bodily fluids, the pain of labour, the cry of a baby...So there is a certain similarity between the Creation and the Incarnation! Wow!

Ok, say yes to mess! But I am not sure my mom will like it very much.

Autumn sky

Pawn shop

In the class of Introduction to Christian Theology today, we used the pawn shop to illustrate the idea of redemption in Jesus' death for us.

The interesting thing was all the group members agreed on this idea, but we had different opinions regarding whether we were the one who went to a pawn shop or we were the things that had been deposited. We also disagreed with one another about who was the owner of the shop: was it the devil, sin or was it God?

I kept asking questions in the group discussion. The result was we found out that we had taken too many things for granted, such as the above pawn-shop thing. We thought we were talking about the same thing but we were only using the same vocabularies that had different definitions.

It's still fun. Hope it will remain so.

Cake

The one I brought to TFS was without the top layer. My first time to make dessert for the congregation.

I imagine Jesus...

I think he must have dry skin. Living in that region, walking around all the time, and without the help of any skin lotion? He must have dry skin.

Actually, I imagine him to have dry skin because I have dry skin.

We were talking about the image of God in the Feminist Theology class today. We started from addressing God as God the Mother to God language, God the Father, sexism...

Then Rose mentioned a disabled God. Why couldn't a disabled person see God as a disabled God? She asked.

God is all powerful; God is also the suffering God. Which one do we prefer? Do we only want a almighty one so that this almighty one can protect us? Do we see God more like a gang leader who offers us protection against our enemies.

I talked about Jesus having dry skin. And then I talked about St Fransis of Assisi who made himself embrace a leper. By embracing the leper, it was said that he learned to embrace all people the way Jesus did. But had it ever occurred to him that the leper didn't want to be embraced? The hug would definitely hurt.

There was a time when I didn't want to be touched or embraced because it hurt, because of the fear of infection. That was a time when I had very bad skin. I didn't want people forcing themselves to "accept" me or "love" me. I saw in most of their embraces as a massage to their ego, that they could tell themselves they did as Jesus had taught them. But they had never asked me whether I wanted to be touched or not. And when I showed displeasure, I was usually the one who got the blame.

Now I can shake hand, hug people at TFS. I feel safe there. I know that even if I can't touch people, they will understand. They won't give me the weird look.

Of course, I want to remain "huggable". I wish I will never go back to those bandaged days.

Putting a hamster in a sermon

Ok, I did that. I put a hamster in my sermon. It was an image of a poor hamster trying to squeeze itself through a needle's eye. My mother had kept two small hamsters years ago. They were very clever. There were two containers in their cage, one for food, the other just there, empty. And what they did with that empty one? It's their toilet!!!! They would go inside the plastic container, turned around a few times, and then...relief!

So, apart from thanking my friends for their help, encouragement, I think I should thank those hamsters as well.

講道

在舊教會曾三次講道，都在青少年崇拜。我「有幸」可以踏上講台，原因只得一個：牧師請假，要找替工。對舊教會而言，我絕對沒有講道的資格，即使我是一個神學生，只因我讀的不是M.Div、不是全時間、不用實習，我的神學生身分從未被官方承認。

假若我沒有或未夠資格在成人崇拜講道，那麼為甚麼我可以當牧師的替工？人手不夠，所以格外開恩？不是說要將最好的給予青少年和兒童嗎？

牧師甚至沒有興趣知道我講道的內容，我講道時在場的傳道人也不感興趣，我只是一個替工，完成了工作後，身邊的人一句話也沒有跟我說。我存在的價值在於我的功能。牧師傳道人關心如何教導會眾，彷彿會眾隨時會作亂，要教導，因為他們不成熟，不會自學，於是他們就從不會平等看待我們，也不會尊重我們。在教與接受教導的關係中，從來不需前者尊重後者，這是華人社會的一大惡習。弟兄姊妹有意見、不同意牧者的話，牧者就可以「不受教」這罪名加於他們身上，但他們有否反省自己？有沒有反思自己的牧會觀念？有沒有想過何謂作僕人？有沒有愛？

虺蛇

究竟有多少人留意到，在今天早晨聖餐崇拜的讀經部分，「虺蛇」二字我只讀作蛇，因為我忘了「虺」(音鬼或灰)的讀音。

長袍老師從不會事前告訴我他的分享經文，而且他的聖經是簡體字/英文版本，我每每要很努力地猜測那些簡體字是甚麼字，今日他分享的羅馬書三章10-20節更令我全程估下估下，非常好玩。

今早，當他讀到viper一字時，我就知道麻煩了，唔識讀，點算？蛇呀蛇，蛇就是蛇，為甚麼要分甚麼虺蛇呢？我只知道青竹蛇大蠎蛇，就是不知道虺蛇。

最後，我當然平平安安地渡過了讀經。虺蛇，下次見到你，我唔怕架！

生態講座

Dr Gabi主講，我翻譯。雖然已經有講稿，但仍感吃力。原來，英譯中不是我的強項。腦筋不夠快，譯出來的句子結構也強差人意，dead air也較平日中譯英為多。

然後我發現，或者應說再次肯定自己的缺點。在翻譯的過程中，我是樂意工作的。但事前我有點不快，一來無論學業還是工作，面前未做要做的事情在不繼堆積，修讀三科實在太多了！工作方面，同事的要求也越來越多，工作量大了，死線多了，頭也痛了。我發現自己埋怨多了，但其實埋怨過後，我仍可以高高興興地工作，那為甚麼我要埋怨呢？

我執著，我希望事情可以整整齊齊，希望工作可以分得清清楚楚，不喜歡意外，不願生活節奏遭打亂，原來我要求秩序。

Fill drill at Block Y

Students gathering after "escaping" from the building.


Going back to the building. Normal life resumed.

Fire drill today. Not bad when I needed some time to collect myself and escape from my desk. Too much work on hand.

Still a long way to go

The week seems long. My study at LTS drags on. Lots of work from the university. Still two cakes to make this Saturday...

分組討論

近日課堂的分組討論令我有點納悶；多口的我都想閉嘴了。

昨天的課題是道成肉身。

一組四男一女，大概我們五人的理解能力都非常差勁，大家都講廣東話，卻彷彿有四、五種語言在運行，你說的suffering跟我說的不同，你說的東卻是他口中的西，當X變成Y，當Y又變成Z，只覺有五把聲音，五個獨白，五個頻道。

或許我們都不懂得聆聽。聆聽不只是用耳聽，更要有心理準備，我原有的意見會因為你的說話而改變，我也不是向著改變你的想法出發。

我頭痛了，可以轉投其他組別嗎？

修改講章

長袍老師說我寫了一篇很好的講章。

當然是多得他的協助和鼓勵，也感謝去年Dr Gabi教我們講道學，讓我們走出華人教會講道的框框。

今次我對老師的提議並沒有「照單全收」。我喜歡跟他對話，我喜歡提出問題、反建議。

完成修改後，我離開他的辦公室往學院方向走，心裡有一點點感動，也有一點點難過。感動是因為老師身體不適、工作堆積如山，但仍把我的講道放在很高的位置，是要優先處理的；難過是大概只有道風山才容得下我這一類人。我問老師：「Do you think I can be a pastor?」是可以的，但香港沒有幾多教會適合我。

老師打算在崇拜前跟我練習練習一下，如此良師益友竟在我身邊，心裡只有感恩。

Graduation sermon

Students who are doing their first B.Th or M.Div have to deliver a graduation sermon in their final year. In the past, they had to do it twice. From this semester on, they only have to do it once.

We had our first graduation sermon today.

I hadn't been in a Chinese congregation for more than a year. The sermon today reminded me that kind of sermons I usually listened to when I was still active in a local congregation.

For one thing, it's long! Of course, it didn't last 90 minutes, which wasn't unusual in a Chinese church. The rule was you only got 20 minutes for everything. By everything, I mean the sermon, hymns, everything from start to finish. That sermon was long, and unnecessarily so. If size didn't matter, then surely the length of a sermon did, and the longer the better!

And I learned something about the speaker's daughter(s). I had absolutely no interest in how his daughters were doing and I wasn't sure they wanted to be part of the sermon. Anyway, I was reminded how many personal details I had learned in the past both from the pulpit and from the one who's leading the singing or the service.

The sermon was also about what we should do. A bit moralizing, though not as much as I feared.

I had thought about not attending the morning prayer today. Maybe I am becoming intolerant.

Plan B

John wasn't feeling well so we had to get someone else to preach and to lead the liturgy in our worship service yesterday.

Things went well. We worked together; every one of us did a little bit (or more than just a little bit) extra. I could say we were even more efficient in setting things up before the service and getting things back afterwards.

So, what's in a worship service? Isn't it about the participation of every one of us? It's not about doing things professionally; we shouldn't regard ministers and pastors as professionals anyway.

I was calm and quick. But I did miss my usually more leisurely pace on Sundays.

The unexpected happens. Life is full of these little or big surprises.

Preparing my second sermon

(Editing my sermon in Pacific Coffee, Shatin.)

Now I know what copy editing is.

John and I went through my sermon yesterday. We did it line by line. He gave me many useful and constructive comments, and told me what worked and what didn't. His help on the language was also very important and much appreciated. After all, English isn't my first language.

When he told me certain parts were good, I asked him why they were so. I learned a lot not just in how to write a sermon, but also in editing! I could see that he must be a very good editor. It's surprising how little I much I had learned about editorial work not in my career as an editor by in our going through my sermon together.

John said he wanted me to be more profound. What did he mean? I could kind of grasp his meaning yesterday but I understand more now. I was telling people what to think in my first draft. But I didn't really let people think on their own. I was saying, "Hey guys, what I am saying is the truth. So listen, and listen very hard." The draft had already been toned down bit but obviously it wasn't enough. There was so much fire in my heart that I just wanted to scream. I needed to be more subtle and not hitting people on their head.

And then I thought about the Feminist Theology class. It wasn't bad. But the teacher was so passionate about overcoming domination and deconstructing systems of oppression that she didn't really allow us to think or disagree. There wasn't dialogue. At best, we had different monologues. So, how can we keep our fire and keep the doors open for dialogue? Difficult, but hopefully not impossible.

My second draft is almost finished. Just need to cool things down a bit before I read it again to see how it goes.

不快樂的的士司機

不快樂，因為在的士站等了個多小時，然後遇到我，一個要由大圍火車站到道風山的乘客。

司機一聽到道風山就大聲嘆氣，然後全程「鵝」我，告訴我他為何不快，告訴我要空車出九龍，很不爽。

我也不爽；我也不快樂。我知道打的上山要三思，我都希望司機大佬們的收入足以維生，我也不想令你們不快。

Where is this bus leading you?

Picture taken at about 5:30 in the morning.

Noon prayer

I usually attend the noon prayer on Wednesdays.

We were in Christ Temple instead of Lotus Crypt because of the rain. The crypt got too wet.

There were only the two of us. Birgitte and I sang together, prayed together. She sang the second part of the Taize hymns, and the two of us sang just so harmoniously that I couldn't help but feel moved.

And then a thought occurred to me. It's just too amazing that we could be together. We came from different parts of the world; we spoke different languages. How on earth could we ever meet each other, let alone became friends.

It's always good to see her welcoming face and feel her warm hugs. She always brightens my days!

Is sola scriptura unbiblical?

That's one of the questions we discussed in the Introduction to Christian Theology class today.

We had some heated arguments. And I liked that!

Saying something is unbiblical is grave. Saying what the church has taught as truth as unbiblical is almost unforgivable.

Sometimes we are too eager to defend our faith.

Sometimes I just get tired of all these defenses.

Heavy rain

Taking refuge on a bus. Going home via the Tuen Mun Highway, the splashing of rain muffled.

What a family!

We had the Thelle's family with us this evening at TFS. Karl Thelle is the son of one of the founders of TFS. I learned from our pastor John's email that Karl Thelle had spent his younger days at TFS. He and more than 20 family members were with us in our worship service. Members of different ages sang both during the service and after the supper. What a family! What a singing! I was moved even though I didn't really know what they're singing. I just wanted to join them.

Then I said to Kelvin maybe we should do something simliar. Yes, we surely should sing. Birgitte is in, and so is Jochen, a student from Germany. Ekman also sings very well, but I wonder if he will have the time. Let's see what we will come up. I really hope that we can form our singing group, if not a choir.

思念

在Dr James Rimbach的追思禮中，我感到一份濃烈的思念，強烈得讓我透不過氣來。

死亡使人分別，但有時不是死亡帶來的分離更教人傷心。

那分別就是含有一種finality，是那麼的決絕，也多麼的無奈。

與此同時，我留意到自己對舊教會沒有半絲懷念。是我無情，還是復原得快？

我曾說，我的感覺就像甩掉一個非常差勁的男朋友，又或一個決定離婚的婦人，奇怪自己為何此刻才決意要走，然後頭也不回地離去。

BB

某牧師與一姊妹見面，他問她幾時生得。

姊妹只是體胖一點，並沒有懷孕啊！

我家的魚魚波子圓碌碌，我們以為她只是胖了一點，但原來她要做媽媽了。

她共生了三十多個孩子，二十七個存活。

擁抱

與朋友擁抱，讓我感到彼此情誼的真實。輕輕的、大力的、擁抱後親親臉孔，親兩下？三下？視乎對方來自甚麼地區文化。起初我不習慣，那起初是十一年前，後來，後來我開始懷念在十一年前有幸共處一個月的朋友。

朋友剛做過檢查，沒有癌細胞，今早我問：可以擁你一下嗎？我想感到你的真實，我想觸摸你的健康。

When the shops are not yet open

The good thing was: it's not crowded.
The not so good thing was: I couldn't find my cup of coffee.

教會=Ekklesia?

教會果然是教會，教導教導又教導，假若我搞不清神學內容，我怎樣教我的會眾？假若我不能說神是ABC，我可以在浸禮班教甚麼？

我越來越喜歡東正教的Appophatic Theology，為甚麼我一定要講到神是A、B還是C？

在課堂的討論中，同學問了一句：如果不能肯定XXYY，咁我點教教會的弟兄姊妹？又有朋友認為講道一定要有教導。Wayne提出了他的觀察：學院早會的講道多數是propositional。

教導教導教導，但不准提問會是怎樣的教導？怕教識徒弟無師父又是怎樣的教導？大概我並不受教。

遇到喜歡的人

我喜歡在學院漫無目的地這裡逛逛，那裡走走，是學院裡難得的閒人。

我總可以遇上幾個我喜歡的人，老遠見到已經想狂奔過去打招呼，來一個擁抱，或文靜一點握握手。

聖誕老人老師是其中一個，今天我又把他「捉」住，好「回應」他昨天的早會講道。他說希望我們都覺得課堂學習interesting和challenging，我說我的學習正好如此。

Sophia是另一位教我歡喜的朋友，她來自以色列，今天得知她下星期三就要離開香港，感失落，還沒有機會認識她便要分別了，幸好今天我們在Noon Prayer相遇，否則......

還有星期一下山途中巧遇豹仔，我倆竟握手！見到他是喜出望外，願他一切安好。

遠離不再歡迎我的地方，不願再受別人操控，每次見到這些人的笑面，我再次肯定離去是正確的。

In a state of confusion

Imagine 4 very different people having a discussion, they don't even agree on the most basic definitions of some of the terms they're discussing. That's what happened in today's Introduction to Christian Theology class.

It's very confusing but also fun! We came up with more questions than the four asked by the teacher.

I did't really like it, but it forced me to think harder and listen harder.

Today's discussion was on election and covenant. Who's the elect? Do I have a personal covenant? What about predestination and providence? And the 4 covenants in OT and the new covenant in NT?

Let's see what will happen when Purple Godfather come back next week.

預備講章

昨天午飯時段在辦公室快速寫了兩頁紙，講章的flow。因為是草稿，也不打算有其他讀者，字體潦草，文句完全沒有修飾。

今天早會時與長袍老師排排坐，他問我講章準備情況，我就從大布袋中拿出那兩頁紙，他竟很仔細地讀起來。其實老師近來十分忙碌，我也不好意思要他花時間在我的講道上，上次我自薦講道，結果是他要較自己作講員花更多的時間，更在我正式分享前聽了我講三次！是三次啊！

他的誠懇與開放讓我不怕把心中所想化成說話，他也成為我的鼓勵，作一個誠實人分享福音。

Seas of flags

How I was reminded of Guy Debord's Society of the Spectacle!

豪爽女人

大一那年，朋友送上《豪爽女人》的影印本，我讀了，只覺此書有點大膽，但沒有太震撼的感覺。

今年修讀胡露茜教的Feminist Theology，在書單中再見此書的名字。忽然有此問題：為甚麼當年朋友已知道此書適合我？果真獨具慧眼！

其實已忘了書籍內容，或許應該重讀重讀。

朋友給我送上《豪爽女人》，大概是因為我說「月經」，而不是M/Period/親戚，情慾我則甚少提及。忽然想起去年發生的一件趣事：男同學上胡露茜的課，我和他在午飯時段在課室內閒聊，話題涉及女性主義，不知為甚麼大家講到月經，我說若男人有月經，他們可能會互相比拼，誰人的日子長和量多。男同學沒有異樣，反倒是在場的另一女同學嚇了一跳。當時我們正在上一科「旁門與新興宗教」，女同學聽罷問我們是否在討論旁門。此事甚有趣！

On an overcast grey day

TFS still managed to surprise me.

暑假後第一次泰澤崇拜

(會議室變身前)

也是第一次由頭到腳、從頭到尾落手落腳參與。由開門、佈置場地、崇拜後的執拾，首次全程參與，與好友們合作合力，或許這就是人家口中美好的配搭事奉。

然後我發覺，可以出力流汗是一件美事。與諾爸一起搬枱搬椅子，將一個空的會議室變成共融祈禱之地，慶幸自己沒有背痛腳痛，慶幸自己可以出一分力，這些都不是必然。

我們也運用小智慧，遺失了一塊白布，就看看有沒有其他東西可以代替，也隨身找出可用的物品。我們沒有完美的崇拜，時有意外，時有遺漏，或許這些是對我們的提醒，我們需要別人，我們是一個互相幫助的群體。

累了，卻感富足。

東正教

繼續讀關於東正教的書。

讀有關東正教對三一神的理解，太多希臘文，讀不通，讀不懂。

9月20日更新：
借了兩本關於東正教的書，兩日內讀完其中一本，是從西方角度看東正教；另一本是Reader，涉及神學，要花多讀時間讀才可以。兩本都是Daniel B. Clendenin寫/編的，讀罷第一本方知道長袍老師的東正教課堂實在教了我們很多，他把重要的都先消化了，再簡化給我們。很懷念和一班好友一起上他堂的日子。

Friday Morning Eucharist

Sunrise. I was heading for the conference room for the eucharist service at about half past six in the morning.

I think we had 36 people today. John's reflection was on 1 John 1:5. God is light; in Him there is no darkness. Instead of talking with a moral undertone, John talked about in such light as God, there is no distinction, no shadow or darkness. He didn't focus as is often the case on being good or morally acceptable. Got me thinking. I wish I can elaborate more on this point. But I am unable to do so at the moment.

We are accepting donation for the breakfast after the Eucharist. This is different from what I have been told. So now I know that we are not required to pay; we can make donation now. Interesting how messages change shape when they go from mouth to mouth.

Still thinking...

老友彈結他

老友在短宣隊負責的早會及分享會彈結他，上次聽他彈，是甚麼時候呢？以前他領詩，我或是會眾一分子，或是敬拜小姐，也可能是G12、團契等聚會，以前不當他彈結他是甚麼一回事，現在呢？我的反應很大，非常高興，最好彈多幾遍，最好預我「伴唱」，最好可以再合作。

我們入學前，大概也沒有想到今時今日，我們竟變了這個模樣。我不會想像你穿巴基斯坦服飾，唐裝衫還可以想像到；你也不會想到我有離開那教會的一天吧。

上學期我們「分手」了，今個學期得以「復合」，一起上晨早八點堂。今回是我幫你留位，不過不好意思，我只能在八點前剛好到達，我們只好坐後座了。

上堂時，我沒有眼看你一日兩次的例行動作，但鼻子嗅到消毒藥水氣味啊！我沒有擔心你，雖然你入廠時我的確流過眼淚；聽完你的短宣分享我就更加不擔心了。我沒有擔心，但我仍會帶備麵包/青瓜/車厘茄上課，哈哈，屬於我的也就屬於你啊，隨便食啊，大佬！

明年今日，我就要獨個上課了。今年我要好好結識就朋友，唔係就弊傢伙啦！

Confusion

This is the most confused time in my study at the seminary. I was completely lost in yesterday's Introduction to Christian Theology class. I had probably put that confusion on my face. The teacher said I didn't look very happy.

I do think he's a good teacher. Let's see how we are going to work things out.

I am confused because I don't really know how to discuss with my classmates; or I don't really know if we are having discussions.

Well, it's just another kind of experience. Maybe it will make me a better learner.

Rainy day

The typhoon is gone but we still have some occasional downpours. Dampness but hopefully my spirit hasn't been dampened.

Got myself wet on the way back to the seminary after the noon prayer. The Lotus Crypt was an excellent place to listen to the rain provided that you didn't mind a little bit of wetness. You felt the rain drumming above your head; you felt the presence of nature. And then there were our prayers. There were only two of us at the noon prayer but there was a kind of fullness in the air.

When the wind got too strong

Typhoon No. 8. Stopping the fan from moving made the noise more bearable.

What's underneath

This photo shows the wall at TFS next to the Moon Gate. We seldom see what is underneath the whitewash. The bricks look surprisingly beautiful.

What is on the surface? What is underneath? When I first studied English Literature back in the secondary school, the theme of appearance and reality often showed up. This theme also dominates our life.

Mom has been going to church. She attends the Sunday worship service. She is a regular now, though she still hasn't known many people of the congregation. We had a chat this morning while having breakfast. She talked about a pulpit message urging those who only attended worship service to take part in other activities as well. Maybe I am of a more rebellious spirit. I just told her that even worship service isn't neccessary for her salvation. She only has to believe. And in case people at church are concerned about her "spiritual develpment", well, just tell them there is a seminarian at home who can take care of that.

It's interesting to witness my mother going through this becoming-Christian process. I just hope that she won't be turned off by the church. It looks as though the doors of the church are always open, but once you are in, you know things look different.

似卡拉OK的補習社

同學說這地方像卡拉OK。

為甚麼大家要補習？人有我有，怕吃虧吧。

早前看港台節目《一屋買家》，一個家庭在暑假期間為兩個孩子的課外活動一個月花上一萬元，學鋼琴小提琴游泳英文數學還有更多更多，為甚麼？怕吃虧，要為孩子鋪路。當母親的說，自己不是出身富裕家庭，小時候想補習，但她的媽媽認為她既然考試合格，就不用補習了。她覺得是遺憾，我認為她的媽媽是個智者。那個父親是我姊的小學同學，我對姊姊說，幸好你跟他不一樣，他的孩子一定不會有快樂童年。

Honesty and model answers

We read a letter written by Bonhoeffer shortly before he was executed in the Introduction to Christian Theology class. In the letter, he traced how God no longer was the working hypothesis in morals, politics and science. He wasn't lamenting this. On the contrary, he thought that "[F]or the sake of intellectual honesty, that working hypothesis should be dropped, or as far as possible eliminted." The theme of a suffering God was clearly shown.

The teacher asked us what we thought about that letter. One student replied by making a distinction between those who believed and those who didn't. He assumed that those who believed (meaning Christians) had to have God in mind in every aspect of their life; and those who didn't (non-Christians) would not be bothered with our God. I didn't feel comfortable with all these Us vs. Other talks. Besides, I didn't think that's the point Bonhoeffer was making.

Another student followed by saying many people in HK (he meant the non-Christians) wouldn't think about God in all that they were doing. Again, there was the assumption of those who belonged and those who didn't here.

I'm a bit worried at the way people read their own ideas in other people's writing. People give very high-sounding model answers. But then what? Bonhoeffer was honest about how he didn't always feel God's presence.

I don't always feel God's presence. I wish there will be a time when all of us can honestly face our own feelings and situations instead of giving the model answers. I don't want a textbook kind of faith. I wish people won't be snubbed whenever their voice their doubts and uncertainties. I wish people won't tell me to pray harder when I am lost in all those God-talks.

What's in a name?

Should I call you Dr XX or just XX or YY?

I'm confused.

I have come to know many non-Chinese teachers at my congregation. We are on first name basis for sure. Then once we are back to the seminary, this first name basis relationship doesn't seem appropriate (not that the teachers mind it). I feel weird. Can't my teachers and me become friends?

One of the students raised this question last week. He asked our teacher how we should call him. Curiously (or not so curiously) he mentioned what he thought was a fact: that Chinese people respect their teachers, so they will always call their teachers with their titles. Wait a minute, is that about respect? Or is it more often hypocrisy on our part. We don't want to offend people, especially those who are higher up in the hierarchy. Why do you think there's more respect when I call you by your title? And probably it is because when people don't call us with our title, we are offended.

Are you broke?

Saw this on my way home today. It's posted on a traffic light pole. Maybe after looking at the bank monitors, you need to read this notice.

What draws complete strangers together

The stock market.

The way people have their eyes glued to the bank monitors constantly amazes me. So I guess the stock market is going up again.

Moments of epiphany

There are moments in life when you suddenly realize something, when the way you view life is changed.

I had one of those moments yesterday. It came when a dear friend stopped, turned his head and looked at me. I looked at him in the eyes and saw love and friendship. The moment came when the two of us and another friend stopped our ascend to the seminary and just embraced one another. I knew we were never too busy to give one another a hug.

I have been making the right decisions. And I know I am happy.

記念與記得

我們常說在禱告中記念某人某事，記念，remember，也可以是記得。兩者相比，我較喜歡「記得」，因為「記念」彷彿只會發生於特定時段，例如祈禱會。大家常說要分別為聖，但很多時候，分別是分別了，這分別卻是一種割裂，教會生活與日常生活割裂，就連對別人的關心也割裂。

某傳道人說在同工祈禱會曾為我祈禱記念我云云，一個與我生活無關，見面也不會打招呼的人，教我猜想她的記念會是怎麼樣的記念，她的祈禱又是甚麼呢？求神要我悔改回轉嗎？既然不曾把我記起，也無謂勉強記念我了。

在今天的清晨聖餐崇拜後，我向同學道謝，感謝他記得我。事緣是在開學禮當日，我獨自在翻譯房中工作，到領聖餐時，同學以為我仍未領，於是隔著玻璃提示步出房間到聖桌前，他記得我！又想起同學Maggie，她每每記得我的交通需要，不時為我帶來不少方便。

想起這些，因為今天發生了令我感動的一幕。因為背痛，今天我要慢慢走路。清晨聖餐崇拜及早餐後，我們要走一段路才可以重返學院。我跟長袍老師及另一好友三人行，但走著走著，我落後了。突然，老師停下來回頭望，我笑著說，今天要走慢一點。他說，那我也走慢一點。他與另一好友都記得我，我們三人緩緩走完那一二一梯級，一起展開精彩的一天。

如果你的記念我是意圖改變我成你喜愛的模樣，那不好意思了，我不需要你的記念。

開學

踏入第四年的學習，卻是首次參與學院的開學禮。

經過炎炎暑假，九月一日清晨出發往山上學院，清風給予我驚喜。熱得太久了，差點遺忘清早上山曾帶給我的平靜和快樂。開學的首星期，師生們都掛上一個名牌，方便互相認識。原來掛在頸項的帶子，不同顏色有不同意思。畢業班同學的為藍色，三年級同為用黃色。我這個所謂「四年級」卻又不屬畢業班的最後獲分發黃帶子。

重返校園，環顧四周，好像有點不對勁。對了，很多好友的臉孔已經不在我們當中，大部分與我同年入學的人都已經離開了，沒有麥日老遠已跟我打招呼，也沒有立仁先生稱我女王。或許明年我會有更強烈的孤單感覺。

在開學禮當傳譯，沒有國語翻譯的同學在身旁，就沒有聲音騷擾，也就可以專心工作了。幾乎每次翻譯都遇到機件問題，今次是耳筒只單邊有聲，更有數秒鐘完全靜寂，過後又有忽然加大的音量轟我耳，恐怕日後會發展成職業性聽覺受損呢！工作過後肚子咕嚕咕嚕叫，是學院還是工作喚回我的胃口呢？然後就歡歡喜喜跟同學仔到沙田食午飯，陳牧師問我會否在下午仍留學院我也不顧了。

不少人問我畢業於何時，媽媽也問讀畢課程有何打算，我只說：到時才打算吧！今年開學較往年吃力，或許是因為身體狀態欠佳。希望我可以繼續享受學習，繼續抱著感恩愉快的心情上山。


校巴站，攝於九月一日。地上的白箱是廚師輝哥為學院午餐、晚餐買的餸菜。