Saturday, October 31, 2009

聽教聽話

今日參與了關於神學教育與信徒培育的課題,大前題是性別意識,教牧欠缺這意識,他們在神學院也有沒這方面的學習......最終教會領導一代去了,新一代到來,卻與上一代沒有兩樣。

究竟誰人會進神學院接受裝備?當然,這說法已有前設,接受裝備作甚麼?通常是在教會事奉。申請入讀神學要過教會一關,因為申請者要有自己教會(通常是堂主任)的推薦信。那麼誰人會得到推薦?牧師會否推薦一個他認為是攪事分子的人讀神學呢?

神學院的學生大多四四正正,聽教聽話。有時我們是費事多口,把書唸好,拿到足夠的學分就好了,將來還要找工場呢,不要太「偏激」,不要斷自己的事奉之路,我們都要糊口啊.....

空間

上回講到我在學院已適應得十分好,感覺舒暢;今天與幾名同學一起出席姊妹論壇,後一起食午飯,大家談到學院的種種,我不斷地發問:「你們說的某某是誰?」

我們彷彿就讀不同學校呢!

但這不是壞事。如果我清楚知道他們說的一切,也許我對學院的投入感會減低。

兼讀的好處就是有遊走的空間,可以留在邊緣,間中向中心出發。當然,我也要付上一定代價,例如沒有真正屬於自己的群體。

但我本身不是一個合群的人,是我的性格導致我走上今天的路,還是環境造成了今日的我?

Friday, October 30, 2009

穿畢業袍的日子



還有一頂博士帽,不是畢業禮,而是Reformation Day Eucharist,我擔演馬丁路德這角色,說英語時加上德國人的口音,大叫Guten Morgen,然後說自己是Martin Luther,好玩。

我變了!從前的我一定不會這樣「裝模作樣」,又或許是我在學院這幾年已完全適應,可以很自由自在地做自己,做喜歡做的笑,大聲地說話,大聲地笑,不怕別人取笑,即或有人取笑都不會在意。或許這就是我要兼讀的原因,將兩年延長至五至六年,讓慢熱的我最終可以投入。

Monday, October 26, 2009

Nap is good



Taken on our way to the Sikh Temple on 25 Oct 2009.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Hospital visit

Mom visited Uncle at the hospital this afternoon. He's getting worse; and the hospital wants him to get out without giving him any referral to any hospital for terminal patients. I usually get fed up with poverty at moments like this. Where is human dignity? Where is compassion. But when we only have limited resources, when the rich gets richer and the poor gets poorer, we can only endure and try to survive.

Mom asked the TFS congregation to pray for Uncle. It's the first time she made such a request.

I am thinking about the Gospel reading of tomorrow. A blind man tells Jesus that he wants to see; and Jesus says his faith has saved him. What's faith? For one blind man getting back his sight, there are numerous others who remain visually impaired. How am I to understand Jesus' healing?

P.S. Uncle died this evening (25 Oct 2009). May he rest in peace.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Back to Christ Temple

Since the conference room wasn't available this morning, we moved back to Christ Temple for the Morning Eucharist.

And then I found that I missed the icons. Apart from the big one we put on the altar, there're 4 smaller ones. I missed them.

And I missed seeing sunlight coming through the windows. Light and shadow graudally moving down.

And I missed our coziness.

So, are we back there for good?

Give me a hug

希望力抗消費主義的我,今日終於失守。原想給自己買懷錶,結果買了幾米的產品給朋友。

下一步要做的,就是收集相片,然後動手以此相框做小禮物。

The Little Prince, the pilot, the fox and me

The pilot draws a picture of a boa with an elephant in its stomach, both interior and exterior, and shows it to the grown-ups. He asks them what they see in it. They say it's a hat. Grown-ups are unable to see what the Pilot sees. I show my friends a Garfield cartoon and see if they can see me in Garfield. In that cartoon strip, Garfield needs to claw something. He claws the curtain and is very satisfied. In the last picture of the strip, Jon asks where his new curtain is. And Garfield's thought bubble has these words: Define "new" to me. I want to know if you can see the Garfield in me.

The Little Prince asks the fox how he can tame him. The fox says,
"You must be very patient,
First you will sit down at a little distance from me-like that-in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."

Words are the source of misunderstandings. Sometimes, we only need a silent presence. I like John's reflection today at the Morning Eucharist. Job's friends have spent seven days and seven nights with him in silence. In such silence is the possibility of real human connection. Words may mislead; words may hurt. If you can spend some silent moments with some of your friends without feeling ill at ease, it means your friendship with them is both strong and enduring. It means you can experience moments of unmediated love. John sat with me on one of the benches outside of his office today. There were some moments when I just looked at my hands. There were no words. There was no need for them.

The fox tells the Little Prince a little secret, "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." The important thing is, whenever I eat an ice cream that is of your favourite favour, I always think about you.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

一雞三味

我決定發揮我的編輯本色,一雞三味,三科(Introduction to New Testament, Introduction to Christian Theology, Feminist Theology)的功課都做...耶--穌!

咁算唔算偷雞呢?

Monday, October 19, 2009

信與不信

一個未認識耶穌的人面對死亡,他的朋友請某教會牧師探望,牧師「不嫌遠」老遠走到屯門,然後在教會的講台中跟會眾分享,目的就當然是鼓勵大家作服事啦。後來那人過身了,我忘了他最後是否有決志,只記得牧師覺得自己做了一件好事,不嫌麻煩,不嫌遠,去屯門喎,慘過要你去死,也不介意是否認識那人,心裡有感動嘛,況且牧師不就是要做這些事嗎?

另外有一個人因病入院,她已信主,但沒有返教會。請牧師去探訪,他一臉不耐煩,東區醫院,離教會很遠啊!後來,後來就不了了之。既然事主已經信主,好應交由她的教會處理吧,而且她的住所離教會遠,星期日要上班,也不可能返牧師的教會吧。

我發現,當你仍是一個尋道者,教會會非常歡迎你;但當你已經不是他們傳福音的對象,可以理得你死。有時,一切只為擴張勢力。

多年前,牧師說會去探望我那中風的祖母。後來,好一個後來,祖母死了,他沒有探過她,而我則收到一張例牌的問候卡,一張由幹事傳給所有同工,叫大家簽名留言的卡。

麥太跟麥兜說:「從前有個小朋友,他不肯吃菜,後來他死了。」

Getting prepared...

...mentally, for a family death.

Death is not the word we say; but we all know it. The doctors said they had already done everything they could.

We are calm. Of course, we are not the most immediate family. I don't know what Aunt and Cousin Alan are thinking. I don't know how they are coping.

We all have to go through it, this getting prepared thing. But then, we also know that you can never get really prepared. When death comes, even when it has made its announcement beforehand, one always feels shocked and lost.

I hope they are coping.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Setup



When you do the setup for a worship service, you notice things. You notice there are something that look like potholes on the floor; you notice one of the corners of the icon has been frayed; you notice whether the floor is spotlessly clean or whether it's dusty...And you know where the switches for the lights are.

When you know all these things, when everything is set, you just slip back to the congregation, and become one of the many, who also constitute the one Church.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

How news travel...and then get distorted!

An LTS librarian asked me yesterday whether I had studied German philosophy. Then she commented that I had an excellent command of German.

About the level of my German competence, I usually give the following illustration: I went to Germany for a summer course many years ago. On my third day there, I asked a woman on the street for direction, in German, of course. That woman replied by asking me whether I spoke English. That's how good my German was, and I'm afraid it's worse now.

I asked that librarian how she learned about my German. She didn't tell me, of course.

God probably doesn't mind messiness

We had Dr Terrence Freitham giving us a talk in our Friday Assembly yesterday. His major thesis was: God created the world good, not perfect.

One of his points was creation was messy. Imagin God making Adam out of dirt; making Eve out of Adam's bone? Messy! Then he mentioned an artilce on New York Times: 'Say Yes to Mess' (http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/21/garden/21mess.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1). It was a comfort to messy people like...me.

I had thought about the messiness of the Incarnation. Could you imagine Jesus' birth as nothing but messy? All those bodily fluids, the pain of labour, the cry of a baby...So there is a certain similarity between the Creation and the Incarnation! Wow!

Ok, say yes to mess! But I am not sure my mom will like it very much.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Pawn shop



In the class of Introduction to Christian Theology today, we used the pawn shop to illustrate the idea of redemption in Jesus' death for us.

The interesting thing was all the group members agreed on this idea, but we had different opinions regarding whether we were the one who went to a pawn shop or we were the things that had been deposited. We also disagreed with one another about who was the owner of the shop: was it the devil, sin or was it God?

I kept asking questions in the group discussion. The result was we found out that we had taken too many things for granted, such as the above pawn-shop thing. We thought we were talking about the same thing but we were only using the same vocabularies that had different definitions.

It's still fun. Hope it will remain so.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Cake



The one I brought to TFS was without the top layer. My first time to make dessert for the congregation.

I imagine Jesus...

I think he must have dry skin. Living in that region, walking around all the time, and without the help of any skin lotion? He must have dry skin.

Actually, I imagine him to have dry skin because I have dry skin.

We were talking about the image of God in the Feminist Theology class today. We started from addressing God as God the Mother to God language, God the Father, sexism...

Then Rose mentioned a disabled God. Why couldn't a disabled person see God as a disabled God? She asked.

God is all powerful; God is also the suffering God. Which one do we prefer? Do we only want a almighty one so that this almighty one can protect us? Do we see God more like a gang leader who offers us protection against our enemies.

I talked about Jesus having dry skin. And then I talked about St Fransis of Assisi who made himself embrace a leper. By embracing the leper, it was said that he learned to embrace all people the way Jesus did. But had it ever occurred to him that the leper didn't want to be embraced? The hug would definitely hurt.

There was a time when I didn't want to be touched or embraced because it hurt, because of the fear of infection. That was a time when I had very bad skin. I didn't want people forcing themselves to "accept" me or "love" me. I saw in most of their embraces as a massage to their ego, that they could tell themselves they did as Jesus had taught them. But they had never asked me whether I wanted to be touched or not. And when I showed displeasure, I was usually the one who got the blame.

Now I can shake hand, hug people at TFS. I feel safe there. I know that even if I can't touch people, they will understand. They won't give me the weird look.

Of course, I want to remain "huggable". I wish I will never go back to those bandaged days.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Putting a hamster in a sermon

Ok, I did that. I put a hamster in my sermon. It was an image of a poor hamster trying to squeeze itself through a needle's eye. My mother had kept two small hamsters years ago. They were very clever. There were two containers in their cage, one for food, the other just there, empty. And what they did with that empty one? It's their toilet!!!! They would go inside the plastic container, turned around a few times, and then...relief!

So, apart from thanking my friends for their help, encouragement, I think I should thank those hamsters as well.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

講道

在舊教會曾三次講道,都在青少年崇拜。我「有幸」可以踏上講台,原因只得一個:牧師請假,要找替工。對舊教會而言,我絕對沒有講道的資格,即使我是一個神學生,只因我讀的不是M.Div、不是全時間、不用實習,我的神學生身分從未被官方承認。

假若我沒有或未夠資格在成人崇拜講道,那麼為甚麼我可以當牧師的替工?人手不夠,所以格外開恩?不是說要將最好的給予青少年和兒童嗎?

牧師甚至沒有興趣知道我講道的內容,我講道時在場的傳道人也不感興趣,我只是一個替工,完成了工作後,身邊的人一句話也沒有跟我說。我存在的價值在於我的功能。牧師傳道人關心如何教導會眾,彷彿會眾隨時會作亂,要教導,因為他們不成熟,不會自學,於是他們就從不會平等看待我們,也不會尊重我們。在教與接受教導的關係中,從來不需前者尊重後者,這是華人社會的一大惡習。弟兄姊妹有意見、不同意牧者的話,牧者就可以「不受教」這罪名加於他們身上,但他們有否反省自己?有沒有反思自己的牧會觀念?有沒有想過何謂作僕人?有沒有愛?

Friday, October 9, 2009

虺蛇

究竟有多少人留意到,在今天早晨聖餐崇拜的讀經部分,「虺蛇」二字我只讀作蛇,因為我忘了「虺」(音鬼或灰)的讀音。

長袍老師從不會事前告訴我他的分享經文,而且他的聖經是簡體字/英文版本,我每每要很努力地猜測那些簡體字是甚麼字,今日他分享的羅馬書三章10-20節更令我全程估下估下,非常好玩。

今早,當他讀到viper一字時,我就知道麻煩了,唔識讀,點算?蛇呀蛇,蛇就是蛇,為甚麼要分甚麼虺蛇呢?我只知道青竹蛇大蠎蛇,就是不知道虺蛇。

最後,我當然平平安安地渡過了讀經。虺蛇,下次見到你,我唔怕架!

生態講座

Dr Gabi主講,我翻譯。雖然已經有講稿,但仍感吃力。原來,英譯中不是我的強項。腦筋不夠快,譯出來的句子結構也強差人意,dead air也較平日中譯英為多。

然後我發現,或者應說再次肯定自己的缺點。在翻譯的過程中,我是樂意工作的。但事前我有點不快,一來無論學業還是工作,面前未做要做的事情在不繼堆積,修讀三科實在太多了!工作方面,同事的要求也越來越多,工作量大了,死線多了,頭也痛了。我發現自己埋怨多了,但其實埋怨過後,我仍可以高高興興地工作,那為甚麼我要埋怨呢?

我執著,我希望事情可以整整齊齊,希望工作可以分得清清楚楚,不喜歡意外,不願生活節奏遭打亂,原來我要求秩序。

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Fill drill at Block Y


Students gathering after "escaping" from the building.


Going back to the building. Normal life resumed.

Fire drill today. Not bad when I needed some time to collect myself and escape from my desk. Too much work on hand.

Still a long way to go



The week seems long. My study at LTS drags on. Lots of work from the university. Still two cakes to make this Saturday...

分組討論

近日課堂的分組討論令我有點納悶;多口的我都想閉嘴了。

昨天的課題是道成肉身。

一組四男一女,大概我們五人的理解能力都非常差勁,大家都講廣東話,卻彷彿有四、五種語言在運行,你說的suffering跟我說的不同,你說的東卻是他口中的西,當X變成Y,當Y又變成Z,只覺有五把聲音,五個獨白,五個頻道。

或許我們都不懂得聆聽。聆聽不只是用耳聽,更要有心理準備,我原有的意見會因為你的說話而改變,我也不是向著改變你的想法出發。

我頭痛了,可以轉投其他組別嗎?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

修改講章

長袍老師說我寫了一篇很好的講章。

當然是多得他的協助和鼓勵,也感謝去年Dr Gabi教我們講道學,讓我們走出華人教會講道的框框。

今次我對老師的提議並沒有「照單全收」。我喜歡跟他對話,我喜歡提出問題、反建議。

完成修改後,我離開他的辦公室往學院方向走,心裡有一點點感動,也有一點點難過。感動是因為老師身體不適、工作堆積如山,但仍把我的講道放在很高的位置,是要優先處理的;難過是大概只有道風山才容得下我這一類人。我問老師:「Do you think I can be a pastor?」是可以的,但香港沒有幾多教會適合我。

老師打算在崇拜前跟我練習練習一下,如此良師益友竟在我身邊,心裡只有感恩。

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Graduation sermon

Students who are doing their first B.Th or M.Div have to deliver a graduation sermon in their final year. In the past, they had to do it twice. From this semester on, they only have to do it once.

We had our first graduation sermon today.

I hadn't been in a Chinese congregation for more than a year. The sermon today reminded me that kind of sermons I usually listened to when I was still active in a local congregation.

For one thing, it's long! Of course, it didn't last 90 minutes, which wasn't unusual in a Chinese church. The rule was you only got 20 minutes for everything. By everything, I mean the sermon, hymns, everything from start to finish. That sermon was long, and unnecessarily so. If size didn't matter, then surely the length of a sermon did, and the longer the better!

And I learned something about the speaker's daughter(s). I had absolutely no interest in how his daughters were doing and I wasn't sure they wanted to be part of the sermon. Anyway, I was reminded how many personal details I had learned in the past both from the pulpit and from the one who's leading the singing or the service.

The sermon was also about what we should do. A bit moralizing, though not as much as I feared.

I had thought about not attending the morning prayer today. Maybe I am becoming intolerant.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Plan B

John wasn't feeling well so we had to get someone else to preach and to lead the liturgy in our worship service yesterday.

Things went well. We worked together; every one of us did a little bit (or more than just a little bit) extra. I could say we were even more efficient in setting things up before the service and getting things back afterwards.

So, what's in a worship service? Isn't it about the participation of every one of us? It's not about doing things professionally; we shouldn't regard ministers and pastors as professionals anyway.

I was calm and quick. But I did miss my usually more leisurely pace on Sundays.

The unexpected happens. Life is full of these little or big surprises.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Preparing my second sermon


(Editing my sermon in Pacific Coffee, Shatin.)

Now I know what copy editing is.

John and I went through my sermon yesterday. We did it line by line. He gave me many useful and constructive comments, and told me what worked and what didn't. His help on the language was also very important and much appreciated. After all, English isn't my first language.

When he told me certain parts were good, I asked him why they were so. I learned a lot not just in how to write a sermon, but also in editing! I could see that he must be a very good editor. It's surprising how little I much I had learned about editorial work not in my career as an editor by in our going through my sermon together.

John said he wanted me to be more profound. What did he mean? I could kind of grasp his meaning yesterday but I understand more now. I was telling people what to think in my first draft. But I didn't really let people think on their own. I was saying, "Hey guys, what I am saying is the truth. So listen, and listen very hard." The draft had already been toned down bit but obviously it wasn't enough. There was so much fire in my heart that I just wanted to scream. I needed to be more subtle and not hitting people on their head.

And then I thought about the Feminist Theology class. It wasn't bad. But the teacher was so passionate about overcoming domination and deconstructing systems of oppression that she didn't really allow us to think or disagree. There wasn't dialogue. At best, we had different monologues. So, how can we keep our fire and keep the doors open for dialogue? Difficult, but hopefully not impossible.

My second draft is almost finished. Just need to cool things down a bit before I read it again to see how it goes.

不快樂的的士司機

不快樂,因為在的士站等了個多小時,然後遇到我,一個要由大圍火車站到道風山的乘客。

司機一聽到道風山就大聲嘆氣,然後全程「鵝」我,告訴我他為何不快,告訴我要空車出九龍,很不爽。

我也不爽;我也不快樂。我知道打的上山要三思,我都希望司機大佬們的收入足以維生,我也不想令你們不快。

Where is this bus leading you?



Picture taken at about 5:30 in the morning.