往外走

走到人群，
在潮水中，
各不相識，
衣服觸碰著，
螞蟻一般，
我鳥瞰著，
卻也感壓迫。

人來人往，
你們可知下一站
是喜是悲？
商場的光明教我冷，
可否暫把燈關掉，
讓雙目小休，
讓我游說自己，
我不孤獨？

散步

在錦田散步，傳來狗吠聲，在cafe享用芝士蛋糕和咖啡時，對面枱的座上客也有一隻狗。

這陣子發生了很多和狗有關的事，大部分因我怕狗而起。

怕狗，然後因為你而硬著頭皮走進兩隻狗的活動範圍為你開門；怕狗，但在崇拜讀經時要自己冷靜繼續讀，即使小狗就在我腳邊；怕狗，但有你同在就可以連恐懼都跨過。

愛與怕之間，我們共同走過一段又一段的路。

Where do you go?

There's nothing

In front of the pulpit,
As usual,
There're the cushions, liturgy, and hymn book.

In front of the pulpit
Is emptiness.

A bee had stung you there,
I heard your muffled scream,
Saw your distorted face.

Now, I hear another muffled scream,
Another distorted face.

Unknowingly you have destroyed
The life of not one but two.
Unwittingly I have let myself get involved,
Get hurt.

Life is a big joke

How did we arrive where we are now? How did we get started? Why did we start?

One person's decision, now at least two other people in pain.

It hurts just to breathe.

I don't understand it.

When things fall apart, how do we get back those shattered pieces? Or do we just leave them where they are?

Stories

I remember quite clearly now when this story happened.
The autumn leaves were floating and measured down to the ground.
Recovering the lake where we use to swim like children
On the sun would dare to shine. That time, we used to be happy
Well, I thought we were, But the truth was that
you had been longing to leave me,
Not daring to tell me
On that precious night watching the lake vaguely conscious
You said: Our story was ending.

Now I'm standing here
No one to wipe away my tears, No one to keep me warm
And no one to walk along with, No one to make me feel
No one to make me whole, OH! What am I to do?
I'm standing here alone, It doesn't seem so clear to me
What am I supposed to do about this burning heart of mine
OH! What am I to do? Or how should I react? OH! Tell me please!

The rain was killing the last days of summer
You had been killing my last breath of love
Since a long time ago
I still don't think I am gonna make it through another love story
You took it all away from me
And there I stand, I knew I was gonna be the .....
The one left behind.
But still I'm watching the lake vaguely conscious
And I know---My life is ending.

一人一劇場

昨晚出席了言遇劇團在石硤尾的演出，同行的有Maria和Kalle。

一人一故事，觀眾演員共同參與。我的參與還包括為同行好友翻譯。

累了，卻是滿足。

說故事，我們每人都有一個故事，你可有用心聆聽？演出者的自由演出，需要的就是他們用心聆聽，用心發掘。聆聽是建立關係重要的一環。我心想，假若將這聆聽帶到神學院會有多好！

聖餐

華人教會稱作襄禮，我則喜歡叫分包，我實在是分包嘛！

我有位天主教背景的好朋友，有次他上山崇拜，起初他沒有跟隨大家到聖桌前領聖餐。後來我用「凌厲」的眼神把他請了出來，然後他從我手接過包，我感動了。

昨晚有著相似的故事，施餐的是同學仔諾爸，得他「欽點」，我得以從旁協助，就像他上次在山上講道一樣，我感動了。

在場一起崇拜的，當然有我的best friend，今回他不是主禮，而是跟大家一起上前領聖餐，我喜歡他這個不一樣的牧師，喜歡這個好朋友。

還有我愛的人都在場，有許多在這一兩年結識的好朋友，我感動了，我們都有三尖八角的一面，但我們都見證著基督的愛呢！

Where my heart is~~

Pictures taken in M and K's betrothal.

最愛

鍾曉陽的詞，張艾嘉的歌聲。

以前忘了告訴你，最愛的是你~~

現在發覺，對我最好的也是你~~

願你在遠方安好。

花

媽媽買了鮮花回家，她喜歡家中多一點色彩。

養了三條魚，因為她喜歡家中多點活力。

我不插花，也不養魚，我們是迥然不同的人。

誤會

我甚少主動打電話，寧願以電話短訊通消息。

但短訊只能顯示文字，即或有表情符號，都透露不了語氣。

昨天我發了一個短訊，引起誤會。

同樣的說話，面對面講時，引發的不是誤會，卻是更深的愛。

感覺奇怪。

緊握你手

從此我不再介意手上的斑紋、皮膚的粗糙~~

名字

沒有想過，李太叫我的名字時，會發覺那竟會是你的名字。

Sleep (draft)

Sleep is no friend
I don't dream sweet dream
Only Darkish landscape

Twinge
Move this way and that

Friends smile but
Not sleep
Baring its sharp teeth
Showing off its fangs
You make sure my mates
are barred from this hinterland

Only bad guys are
given the swipe cards
I try to stay awake
Hour after hour
Because sleep will snatch you
away, with a snap of its fingers

In my weightless
downward journey
One by one, you go like background
Like when I'm on a train

(At McCafe again. Maybe I need the black poison to stay awake.)

Waking up (draft)

Now I see the world for what it is,
But I still don't want to sleep.
In pain I still want to feel this love
Even it hasn't gone the way I want.

For a moment, I had this epiphany
Of the selfish me.
Then I walked, always walked,
To clear my head
And get rid of
This dryness in my mouth,
These tears in my eyes.

I've determined to love
No
Matter
What,
Challenges I face,
Yes,
But
I'm determined,
Even though
The world is laughing
At my folly.

(Written at McCafe while waiting for my coffee, after I cried myself out from the foothill to the shopping mall at Shatin.)

Don't wanna sleep

Because I don't have you in my dreams.

My dreams are only nightmares.

May I stay awake? May I?

鳥

大概有十五隻吧，在在空飛翔，排成一個Y字。都一月天了，怎麼還會在香港上空出現。完成了我的鹿特丹之旅後，乘坐小巴從市中心回家。下車後，走在上課、上山崇拜必經之路，忽然見到牠們。我停下來，從來都不會有人在那地方停下來，我卻放慢腳步，然後完全靜止。抬頭看，天空何其大，沒有樓房阻擋就更好。我想把鳥兒的數目數清楚，卻不夠牠們飛離屋邨上空的速度快。我告訴自己，許是十五隻吧。

願你就在我的身旁，你的眼界視力又好又快，或許你會知道答案。

2010 Reading

Jan
1. The Lord's Supper, Theodore G. Tappert, 16 Jan 2010. (A very small book on changes in the Lord's Supper, how it's understood, practised etc, writer a Lutheran, made me think why we usually say the Lord's Supper has remained quite unchanged since the time of the early church.)

Feb
2. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, Carson McCullers, 15 Feb 2010.
3. Cult and Controversy: The Worship of the Eucharist Outside Mass, Nathan Mitchell, 17 Feb 2010.
4. Kitchen, Banana Yoshimoto, 18 Feb 2010.
5. Goodbye Tsugumi, Banana Yoshimoto, 21 Feb 2010.

Mar
6. Paula, Isabel Allende, 5 March 2010.
7. The Ethics of Sex, Mark D. Jordan, 13 March 2010.

Apr
8. 寫在人生邊上，錢鍾書，10 April 2010.
9. The End of Memory: Remembering Rightly in a Violent World, Miroslav Volf, 22 April 2010.

完全的接納

接納我的古怪，甚至愛護我的古怪。

在我神經發作時，你沒有離棄我。在別人嫌棄我時，你與我同在。在有人欺負我時，你願為我出頭。

我們都是別人眼中的瘋子，對啊，但我愛你這個瘋子，你也愛我這個瘋子。

陽光/Sunlight

她先敲敲窗，然後徐徐步進，停留在十架之上。

She first knocked at the window, then slowly stepped in, and stopped above the cross.

Breakfast

I could tell whose plate it was.

Hey friend, I also missed our Friday breakfast la!

共通點

我一生人(暫時)最愛的兩個男人起碼有一個共通點，就是都有拜讀《撒旦的詩篇》。

大概我也要讀讀這書了。

只有今天

彷彿我們只有今天。

深呼吸一下，因為愛令我透不過氣來。

忽然感到生活的逼人與無奈。

下了決心，做了決定，就勇往直前吧。

愛過了，就值回票價。

愛過了，就當無悔。

Feeling alive

Because of the loose ends in life;

Because the world is not perfect;

Because I am happy and sad at the same time;

Because there are the bills to pay;

Because I am working hard so my sanity can stay;

Because I feel shit most of the times;

Because there's still the morning Eucharist that saves my life;

Because I love and I hate;

Because in love I see life.

Project on the Eucharist

I'm getting excited that I can finally work on the Eucharist!

Ideas, ideas; books and books. I need a conversation partner and viola! God has given me one.

I'm serious about this project. It has been my dream to integrate my theology with previous studies. The Eucharist, alienation, Otherness, liberation-situationist theory...Too much going on in my head at the moment, and I'm thrilled.

It will be fun, too.

Thanks for all those friends who have helped make my dream come true. May we all have fun in the new semester.

係咪要讀到咁呀？

McCafe's

Needed my daily poison, and McCafe's probably the cheapest, so I walked two flights of stairs (the elavators had stopped) and arrived at this McCafe in Shatin.

It's flooded with people. Many impatient faces and voices, quite a number of unhappy staff. I told a friend that I was probably the only smiling customer in the queue. People wanted things fast; they didn't care it took longer to make a cup of cappuccion than a cup of instant coffee.

Then I walked past Starbucks. More leisure there; of course, more expensive there too. So leisure had a price tag.

窮到燶的日子

當年遠征利物浦讀書，持著有獎學金，帶著三、四百英磅就上機了。抵埗當日從火車站打的到暫時租住的地方，那是正值九月底，一直到聖誕節我的老師到訪利物浦，我都未曾乘坐過任何車輛，一直步行到我要到的地方，包括大學、超市......

老師到訪，邀請我和另一香港同學外出飲酒，我們乘坐的士，途中我說了一句：「這是我來到利物浦後第二次乘車呢！」這句話把他嚇傻了。翌日，他開車到China Town，買了一大堆食物給我(包括我不吃的罐頭回鍋肉，但當然啦，人窮時甚麼都會吃，絕不會浪費！)

曾經窮到燶，於是今日我願意跟你分享，我也感謝你接受我的分享。

J'y gagne à cause de la couleur du blé

I have more than a dream.

One of my dreams is to show my loved one(s) the place where I grew up.

Another dream is to cook for my loved one(s).

These two dreams came true yesterday.

And I got Spike read me my favourite part in Le Petit Princein French. I discovered we spoke French differently. He read it so deliciously.

The four of us, M and K and S and me, sitting in my home, listening to S read. Not a short passage, but we all enjoyed it even though he's the only one who really spoke French. We didn't need entertainment. Reading, chatting, taking a walk in a nearby park, all these were treasured; all of them sweet.

J'y gagne à cause de la couleur du blé.

My dissertation

Nation State and Its Aftermaths.

I still couldn't believe there would be someone interested in it and actually would like to borrow it!

Thanks mate!

嬲你

同一個唔識中文的人講嬲你，何解呢？其實係唔捨得嬲你，但又要發洩下，以防止自己黑面囉。

My non-fiction creative writing assignment

Maybe I should call the police, I thought, but then a loud thud jerked me forward. Silence prevailed in the bus. Even the angry words of the man sitting behind me had stopped. He had been verbally abusing his girlfriend (or wife?) from Sham Shui Po to Tsuen Wan, where the bus was standing now. He annoyed me, but the submissive, quiet and appeasing tone of his partner annoyed me even more. Why did she let him treat her like a doormat? Why couldn’t people leave an abusive relationship? But life is messy. I’ve come to realize this messiness a year after this bus incident. When I have this woman in my mind, I can see myself in her.

思念是一種很玄的東西

但沒有你同在的雪糕和咖啡，味道差太遠了。

雨天沒有你便不是雨天。

開放斗室

我從來都不是一個好客的人，自家斗室沒有娛賓的條件，我也怕熱鬧。

我居然邀請友人周六到訪，這可謂大新聞。到時只會預備一客豆腐布丁，別無其他，因為我深信跟三位友人共聚已經娛樂十足，不需其他花巧了。

要感謝他們讓我安心發出邀請，因為我知道，他們有興趣認識我的生活，即或只是一個平凡到不能再平凡的公屋，即或只一杯熱茶(茶包沖的)，他們都會感到快樂。

謝謝你們讓我學習款待別人、歡迎別人，謝謝你們的愛，與及給予我的安全感。

Conversation with Spike 2

Spike:多謝！
Me:唔該！

Seconds later~~
Me: I'd like to do something nice to you.
Spike: FOR you.

And later still~~
Me: I'd like to give K a ride.
Spike: You'd like to give K a WIFE??

OK, we're correcting each other's language. Fun!

Reflection on the movie Silent Waters

In the name of the father’s honour, Allah, the nation-state (of no particular order, or are they one of the same?), women are asked to sacrifice themselves. This demand to take part in the preservation/building of the family, religion and the nation can take a nasty violent turn as shown both in the beginning and near the end of Silent Waters, when its female protagonist Ayesha is driven to jump into a well. The well and its silent waters (as the title of the film) are a dominant motif that both symbolizes the oppression and protest of women in the male-centred society. The story of Ayesha begins when she refuses to be killed for the sake of male honour. She refuses her family’s demand that she kill herself by running away from the well and consequently her family. Near the end of the film, she once again runs away from her family (her son) and her Muslim society by as act protestation, that of jumping into the very same well.

The multiple identities of Ayesha all contribute to her being oppression by different parties; and I would argue that her suicide is the only way for her to break free from all these identities and let her become her own boss. If there aren’t many choices for her when she is alive, at least she can choose her moment of death. As a daughter, her life is jeopardized by the so-called honour of the male head of the household. The idea that female victims of rape bring shame to their family begs a questioning of the role of women in their family and in society at large. Shame can be used as a weapon that is more destructive and fatal than guns and bullets and the casualty is often the female sex. When such abstract concepts as honour and shame gain the upper hand, women easily become the victims of dehumanization. Their value lies upon their remaining “pure”; their rape by enemy renders them polluted and thus endangers their family. They can choose either their family’s demand of their suicide or like the case of Ayesha, the only alternative is to run away. But leaving her family also puts her in a vulnerable position—she will have no one to support her life in a hostile environment. She is at the mercy of others. She needs another male figure to rescue her by marrying her. This is further complicated by the political situation. She has to convert to Islam upon the founding of the new Muslim Pakistani nation-state as well. In order to survive, she has to change her identity as circumstances require her.

Her role as a mother doesn’t make her any less vulnerable. Saleem, her son, is all she has. A more understanding and sympathetic son would have enabled her to fare better, but as the story unfolds, we can see that it is her son who gives her the final push to her death. Refusing Saleem’s demand that she should profess her Muslim faith publicly once her association with the Sikh has become known, Ayesha chooses to put the necklace which she has left behind to her old family back around her neck and remove her head scarf. The former symbolizes her connection with the past before Pakistan’s partition from India while the latter symbolizes her conversion to Islam after her escape from her family and the family’s evacuation from what has become a Pakistani region since 1947. However, the Islam she decides to leave may not be the same Islamic faith that she has embraced, no matter how contingently. Throughout Silent Waters, we see a more fundamentalist version of Islam becoming more and more powerful. There is also an increasing intolerance towards that which doesn’t toe the fundamentalist line. If there can only be one version of Islam, then what is not this Islam will be regarded as the Other. And this Other may even be a worse enemy than the more obvious Other, such as the Sikh. This is because one can more readily tolerate those who are completely different than those who are more of a hybrid kind. The “impure” Muslims are worse in the eyes of the fundamentalists because their “impurity” is a sign of treason and betrayal, something unforgivable. Ayesha’s giving sweets to the Sikh pilgrims is interpreted not as a friendly gesture but as a sign of betrayal. After all, the Sikhs are seen as spy and infidel. What makes matter more complicated is the marriage of the Muslim identity to the Pakistani national identity. When one fails to be a “correct” Muslim, one’s national loyalty can also be questioned. The project of nation building based on Islam as the major building block puts Ayesha in an unfavourable position.

Dialogue with Carter Heyward

Your The Redemption of God has made me think a lot. The idea of God as God of relation is nothing new; many churches have this as one of the cores of their teaching of the Christian faith. Your “in the beginning is the relation” seems to put even more weight to this relational aspect of God. This sentence that you have repeated throughout chapter 5 of The Redemption of God inevitably reminds us the use of the verse in John chapter one: “In the beginning was the Word…” What you say can amount to in the beginning is the relation, God is relation, and that without relation there is no God. This seems to be incongruous with the idea of the absolute transcendence, complete Otherness of God. I am reading an article by Reginald E. O. White on sanctification for my Introduction to Christian Theology class. White says, “Thus God is holy; ‘separate’ from nature, other gods, and sinners; unapproachable except by mediation and sacrifice.” I don’t think you will agree with White, but his idea seems to be the more dominant and accepted on in the church. I am thinking whether seeing God as the absolute Other makes the Christian faith intrinsically exclusive. The division between God and humans (who are not God), Christians and non-Christians, Us and Other… If God makes distinction (God as the ultimate Other opposed to God in all), then why shouldn’t we make distinctions as well? Does the exclusive tendency of the Christian churches stem from this Otherness of God? I am considering if your idea is a way to move towards a more inclusive Christianity and break down the barriers that separate the Jew from the Greek, the slave from the free and the male from the female.

But what you advocate will surely make the church uncomfortable. For example, if Jesus is not the only God in-carnate, if Jesus is not the sole messianic figure, then what would happen to the Christology that has been passed down from generation to generation ever since the early Church? You stress on the humanity of Jesus, but what about his divinity? This humanity/divinity debate has caused many discussions, arguments, and even the naming of some as heretics in the church history. Does your focus on the humanity of Jesus come from an overemphasis of his divinity in church or are you denying Jesus’ divinity altogether? You make a distinction between God and “God” in your thesis. And I see you as attempting to rescue God from being limited to what humans have constructed so that they can go on with their passivity in life and wait for a saviour from above. So “God” is not really God and to worship this “God” is even idolatrous. But this “God” may well be what some people know as what God is all through their life! What you suggest is too controversial to many. Being controversial doesn’t mean you are wrong, but it surely means there will be enormous pressure against what you propose. You talk about the fear and cost of creative relation. I suppose the church as a whole is indeed fearful of such creative power. The passivity of church people facilitates control (when we see the church as an institutionalized from of religion) and there is the fear of disorder and chaos when people become creative and assertive in matters related to their faith. If, as you say, in the beginning is the relation, then what is left to justify the hierarchical church? The mutuality you propose inevitably damages hierarchy. This mutuality also brings me to your idea of mutually-messianic relation. The traditional church teaching has always been on the self-sufficiency of God; that God has no need on us. But you claim that God needs us, that God depends on us humans. I still haven’t made up my mind on whether God needs us or not, but I want to tell you what I heard in a recent lecture on God and creation by Dr Terrence Fretheim at LTS. Dr Fretheim’s thesis is that God created the world good but not perfect. God wanted to share power with humans (ie. Adam in the creation story). God invited him to co-create by asking him to name all the animals. The sharing of power wasn’t without risk as we can see in the so-called “Fall”. I think Dr Fretheim’s thesis shares some similarities with yours, but he doesn’t go so far as you do. But I think the risk he mentioned is similar to your point about humans being too afraid to take up their responsibility of co-creation; that they are afraid of the creative power of relation. I may as well ask Dr Fretheim what he thinks about your thesis. It has been said over and over again about how humans transgress their boundary by eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge, your proposal that humans are in fact too timid to take up their creative role makes me want to look at the creation story again and see how it can be interpreted with your line of reasoning.

The use of “god” as a verb reminds me of the concept of theosis (becoming God) in the Eastern Orthodox tradition. Have you read anything about it? I am wondering if we can find any insights about this godding from the Orthodox theology. Maybe in the end, I’ll find out that what you propose has long been in the church traditions, albeit neglected or suppressed.

Sensory overload again

Well, I do live in HK; how can I expect to escape from all those noises and crowds and irritations.

I felt swamped. It was as if the whole Shatin was flooding with noises. People were talking, too much talking.

I complained to Spike that he's late.

Did my complaint make me a bad friend? I asked.

Why couldn't I be all smiling when I was so so so happy to meet him? Why did I let the noisy enviroment have the upper hand? Plain stupidity!

Thank you for understanding my condition. Your understanding meant a lot.

自殺

中二那年，鄰班同學自殺。她在行動前給我和其他幾個同學寫信，請我們互相交給對方，但要在特定的時間，在那特定時間前，千萬不要閱讀。我們很聽話，就在她行動翌日交換信件。讀罷，大家哭了、害怕，驚動了校方，結果，我差不多整天都在社工房內渡過。她沒有死，一年多以後，她退學了，無聲無色地，我們就從此沒有見面。

朋友來電說想死。怎麼辦？我聽她說話，告訴她總有something better than suicide，要她答應我會在某天出現。

聽另一朋友提及的歌，彷彿走進他的內心，他邀請我進入，不算偷窺吧。回頭仍是我近期的motto，life is short, what the hell!我覺得這個朋友有機會死於自殺。我這念頭可怕嗎？也許我搞錯了，也許，也許你只想睡一睡，我知你累了，就像長期失眠的我。

失眠可怕嗎？其實習慣了，就不當一回事。

你送給我的照片，我都收到了。怎麼都像我拍的那些？是你知我喜好，還是我們太相像？

Something is better than suicide，you are better，你知道嗎？你知道的。

The Smashing Pumpkins

聽The Smashing Pumpkins的Today。

Today is the greatest / Day I've never known / Can't wait for tomorrow / I might not have that long / I'll tear my heart out / Before I get out ...

彷彿走進他的世界。

但願你也找到你的something better。

婚禮

一個完全係我俾面你先嚟的婚禮。

舊教會朋友大日子，我最終都出席了。

我終於擺脫了這個夢魘，就連舊教會牧師罵我的電話短訊，我也刪除了。

Maria問我，他沒有跟你打招呼嗎？在一呎範圍內都沒有？

沒有。大概他也知道，they really owe me an apology。

Tuen Mun Representative

New Year's Eve party at AH.

I was the only local student present (ok, I didn't count that local internation student). We were calling out friends to do something, dancing or singing or whatever you liked. When it's my turn, I heard Iosefa call out "Tuen Mun".

I must say I loved him for that. If he had called out Hong Kong, I would have left.

I didn't, and I don't represent HK. I'm a Tuen Mun gal.

Many years ago, before my dear teacher Dr Lee left HK for France, we had this little conversation in Central:

Dr Lee: HK is so good. Who would want to leave?
Me: I don't live here. I live in Tuen Mun.

I don't belong to that glittering HK with Gucci, LV shops. I live at the margin.

Conversation with Spike 1

S: I'm sleepy.
Me: I'm Snoopy.

Early morning on 1 Jan 2010 outside of Shatin station.

Dinner with Joyce

The bar opposite to our communal long table. See the lights.


Fascinated by the lights again.


Dessert menu. Dessert is called Happy Ending. A very apt name.

Two women met in the airport. They decided to go for dinner, and the food should be something more interesting since it's 1 Jan 2010. So off they went to Causeway Bay and had a wonderful meal in this restaurant where you could order your dishes in three different portions: small, medium or large.

2010 new year resolution

It's simple, very simple: To love fiercely!

Anything is better than suicide?

No, that's not true. But Spike is better than suicide.

This is a conclusion I made this morning on the train. I must be somewhere between Tai Wai and Mongkok.

So how does Miss Smilla come out of her suicidal thought? It's her friend the mechanic. The dyslectic man writes her a big note, and then she survives.

My Napoleonfish

Taken at AH on 31 Dec 2009.

在道風山上學會了...

學會了跟陌生人打招呼，講早晨。

於是在通宵於昇天屋跟友人慶祝新年來臨後，徐徐步行下山，沿途遇到不少行山客，跟他們道聲早安。

乘坐小巴，只得我一個乘客，下車時跟司機先生說，謝謝啊，也祝司機先生你新年快樂。

愛鄰舍，就從一句問安開始吧。