When I can be myself

Today is a day I want to remember. I led the Friday Morning Eucharist for the first time: choosing the Taize songs and scripture passage, did the reflection part, and celebrated the Eucharist.

The reading I chose was taken from 1 Corinthians 11:23-25. It's about the Eucharist.

I'm glad I could help John in leading the service.

I'm glad my dear friends were with me.

When I can be myself, when I can be true to myself, when I am allowed to be myself, that's when I can lead the service without fear; that's when I can freely offer my love to others and freely receive the love they give me.

I did no preaching/teaching. I was only sharing what this faith in Jesus meant to me.

There's no way I can tell people how to be a good Christian. I don't even know what a good Christian mean.

Today has seemed so full

Worked in the morning, had class in the afternoon, left LTS for Tuen Mun, did shopping in the supermarket, arrived home to make tofu pudding, had dinner, shower, then started to prepare for tomorrow's morning Eucharist.

And yet I'm still not tired.

I wish I will have sleep tonight. Lord have mercy!

歐陽先生

歐陽先生是媽媽的老闆，是媽媽過去廿八年的老闆。

今天是他的喪禮。

我出席了，事前沒有告訴媽媽。

我說，我認不到歐陽太。我們上次見面時，我仍是個小學生。

我問媽媽：這裡有我認識的人嗎？她說，都認識，只是我認不出他們。

離開前，我照慣例再到歐陽生的相片面前默禱，然後跟歐陽太說保重。我握著她的手，她對我說了一句：乖啦。

那一刻，我哭了。

洗洗切切

回家前先到超市逛個圈，買了薯仔、洋蔥、雞柳、啤梨、豆腐和粟米粒，家裡雪櫃已有蛋，不用買。

回家後即開始洗洗切切、醃肉，雙手接觸水，不大好受，但也不算太差。一星期煮一兩次還可以，每天都如此就不得了。

《濃情朱古力》中以煮和食講一個愛的故事，透過食去認識一個人，我希望我也可以將愛煮進食物中。我的烹飪技巧是零，但請放心，我擔保可以安全進食，死不了的！

我期待可以欣賞你的廚藝的日子。

在聖餐中，我們分享耶穌的身體，也分享食物；在這頓由我操刀的午餐，我們也分享耶穌的愛，和祂豐盛的供應。這愛是美麗的，我們的友誼也是美好的，當然，若我的烹飪可以更上一層樓，事情就更完美了。

認識十載

好似今日先係第一次一齊做啲無聊嘢。

木棉

想念
散步
拍下此
給你！

其實我們不需要英雄，
我愛你的不完美、
我們的吵吵鬧鬧、
誤會過後又和好，
沒有假裝，
不用隱瞞，
我們只是凡人。
不要作英雄，
那只會拉開我們，
在聖人面前，
我會不自在。

祝你生日快樂

想起劉若英唱的《生日快樂》。

生日周，從星期一到今天，Happy Birthday不絕於耳。

星期四下課後跟Spikey提早慶祝他的生日，其實只是找個藉口大家相聚一下，享受友誼談話，加上美食點綴，原來快樂可以很簡單。我給他送上金錢價值不高，但他十分喜歡的禮物，他流露的感動，也讓我感動了，他是個容易感足的大孩子，別人對他的好，他都一一放上心頭，有時我會感到感到難過，這個大孩子實在有太多人誤會，我們對斤斤計較習以為常，他的真誠與對朋友的赴湯蹈火也就顯得突兀。

2008年及之前數年我的生日，通常都會跟舊教會某人有飯局，現在回想起來，其實那些飯局來得太勉強，早早就應該停止。生命苦短，何必要難為自己？

2008年那頓生日飯、之後的交通意外......我就這樣一步一步離開那個不快樂的地方，直到今天，我可以跟真正關心我的人說一句：「祝你生日快樂！」

人家的畢業拍照日

明年許是我們當主角的日子吧，現在已有點捨不得，為甚麼美好的東西總是如此短暫？願望你我一起畢業，一起拍這些照片，一起在陽光下讓那黑袍成為蒸籠。

男女朋友

今日M老師問我某高人是否我的男朋友，問的問得落落大方，答的當然也答得落落大方。

他問得可愛，不是因為八卦，也不是要「教導」我，只是朋友之間的對話，我也以朋友的態度繼續那對話。

華人基督教圈子，起碼我認識的那幾個，通常對男女感情事避而不談，或過早地過份認真，我曾對來自歐美的朋友說，我們沒有dating這東西，一開始就要決定是否可以廝守終身，結果釀成不少不幸，也令大部分人不懂與異性相處、做朋友。

近日不時聽到一些如毛毛雨的細語，雨點小，所發的聲不大，但細密，籠罩整個地方，通常沒有人問當事人實情如何，又或會有人在未經證實事件是否屬實，就向當事人「提問」，事主「被提」和「問候」。

忽然想起，高人教會的某些人士若知道老師跟我說的話，恐怕會怪罪我行事不夠謹慎，以致出現這誤會了。

Gone are the buses

The Tuen Mun West Rail Bus Terminus has been relocated. Gone are the buses; I just wish my memories would stay.

Healing service

明白到何謂愛，何謂不愛，何謂裝作愛。

我知道大家很愛我，我也知道誰人不愛我。

筵席背後

豐富的筵席背後，有被隱藏了的勞動，包括廚房中筵席前前後後的工作：切呀煮呀洗呀，還有食物的來沿，我們不大會想起的農民、公平交易等。

如果聖餐是耶穌為我們設的筵席，那麼我們怎麼看待有關的公平問題，例如男女平等、企業良心等議題？

聖餐中的餅和酒，究竟從何而來？聖餐後誰來洗洗擦擦？工業化、企業化的餅酒生產，背後有多少工人被剝削的故事？當真工人應得工價？

教會裡的層層階級，是否也有剝削與歧視？高高在上的牧師，當真不應做洗碗搬椅子這等「下等」工作？

To read list

Julia Kristeva

Spivak

Maybe Foucault as well

Seek solace in books

And guess what, that latest comfort book is The Ethics of Sex!

Since actions speak louder than words, since I am confused by the the discrpencies I see between the actions and the words, I try to drown myself in more words, written ones this time.

My 2010 exhibits at LTS

I call these photos transient, using an adjective because the noun transience sounds too permanent.

Sadness is but a moment, so is the most impenetrable darkness before dawn, or the exposed brick wall before it’s whitewashed again. Or the crystal blue sky above Tao Fong Shan before the start of the 7 am Friday Morning Eucharist, or the seconds before the traffic light turns green while one is wearily standing by the zebra-crossing, head lowered and one’s world is reduced to the ground just under the feet. But there are moments of surprises that allow you to transcend the dull and drab life no matter how short-lived they are, like the red plastic bag that suddenly materializes into the corner of my eye, the colour reminding me life can be vibrant and fun if I allow myself to let go of the melancholy and let bits of colours, lights, and even shadows seep into my heart.

All these photos are somehow related to TFS. The first one was taken after a long day at LTS and much walking. I was so tired that I felt my legs were like two big blocks of ice, melting, when suddenly something red came to my eye. It was an ordinary red plastic bag, the kind you could find in any wet markets. After that moment of a red entry, my grey life became colourful again.

The second photo shows the wall at the Moon Gate at TFS. For a few days, the wall stood exposed, showing the red bricks underneath. I had never suspected that under that blinding white lay such raw beauty.

The third and fourth photos are related to our 7 am Friday Morning Eucharist. The one with a big cross was taken with a cell phone when I was traveling on the first bus going from Tuen Mun to Shatin. It must be around 5:30 am, the world was still fast asleep, and yet this cross still stood and watched over that area where my primary school used to stand. That cross had been part of my life for 6 years and yet never did I know there’s a church there. It used to house many bird nests, but all are gone now, leaving a bitter sweet nostalgia.

The last photo was taken before the start of the Friday Morning Eucharist. That’s my best moment in a week. I could still smell the chill of the night, and yet the sky was gradually lighting up. That blue sky reminded me of one of my happiest moments in life. I wanted to hold on to that, but all things beautiful usually have a life span too short, we could never have enough of them.

基督教倫理

我仍未搞清楚究竟倫理是甚麼，更不用提基督教倫理了。

正修讀基督教倫理導論，我提出一個問題：課堂的內容都是沿自「西方」哲學思想，大家努力消化那些甚為alien的理論，設法明白老師的講課，所謂何事？我不介意認識「西方」哲學，畢竟本人的學術生涯早就被打入「西化」之列，但有時覺得也學得太勉強了。(Spike拉比挑戰我這個東方/西方對立的說法，我只能夠說，放過我吧，我就加個「」好了。)

下周四是分組做presentation的大日子，我組的題目是關於性倫理，我對body有興趣，且看會否找到可以應用在聖餐的資料。

Chapel in the evening

連我也喜歡這個妹妹

她的電郵教我歡喜。

你在彼方快樂嗎？願你一切安好，願你把握自己的幸福，不要害怕，勇往直前吧！